Bitter Wastecation

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Rent a nice vehicle. Enjoy the trip, I mean the fall.

There is a lot of stress going on in this world (most of mine caused by myself) and a lot of ways that people deal with it.  Some people like to workout (why again?) others like to use something called retail therapy (whatever the crap that is) and still other like to write.  The last and most extreme option is vacation.

When you finally jump through all the hula hoops, and sign the waver claiming that you will do twice the work when you get back plus the work of everyone else that takes a vacation when you get back, then you can finally get those precious days off.  When most people take days off, they take full advantage by going places, planning fun outings, or being productive and getting things done that they couldn’t do while working. Not me.

I take empty advantage of all the time I get.  Here are some ways that I completely waste all the valuable vacation time I get:

Plan poorly.  I like to make sure that every moment of my vacation is completely unplanned.  Would it be fun to go to a matinee that I would never be able to while at work?  Let me waste time thinking about it but not doing it until it is 6:00 and too late for a matinee.  Would it be fun to do an all day trip to a water park? Let me waste the three sunny days talking about it, until it rains the last three days and only get to go for two hours until the rain waters out the water park.

Do things you would normally do if you were working. Go to doctor’s appointments, grocery shopping, watch TV.  Make sure that by the time you would normally leave work, you haven’t done something exciting or productive.

Go places that you would normally go.  Like the moon. Hope your home is there when you get back.

Go places that you would normally go. Like the moon. Hope your home is there when you get back.

Be completely unready to explain to your co-workers about what you did to justify making them slave away doing your work.  Hey so what did you do on your vacation? Anything fun? “I uhm, well, I watched some programming on television, and uh we went to some doctor appointments, and uh, I woke up like you know a little later and had some cereal.  I was you kind of relaxing but it was still a lot of work because kids, and uh..”

Make sure your vacation needs plenty of recovery time.

Make sure your vacation needs plenty of recovery time.

Family time.  Make sure your family knows that it was so valuable to have you home.  Kids should be excited to have you home for about 5-10 minutes into your vacation, but should want to be ready to ship you off to work by your first real day of vacation. Once you start assigning them to do homework, or making them your personal valet service, they will be itching your scratch you to work. Mom should notice how great it is to have someone else at home to do stuff, until she just realizes how many more dishes seem to be piling up while you are here.  Or how the seat she is used to sitting seems to always be full.

While wasting valuable time at work is a valuable skill, only the truly bitter can wast valuable vacation time.  Good luck making your vacation a true waste of time.

By the way, if you all want the Bitter Advice Thursday to be a regular thing, go ahead and leave a bitter question that you want answered.  No pressure on getting one out.  Cause that is only tomorrow. Like less that 24 hours.  I’m off to waste yet another valuable vacation day.

ARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHH

Bitter Wastecation Ben

 

In case you missed it…Because you were busy getting trapped in a toy store

In-Case-You-Missed-It-Logo

…because you were busy getting trapped in a toy store. 

 

I got kicked out of the house this weekend because my mini me daughter had her birthday and she wanted to do it with other female humans.  So I had to get off the couch and stop being annoying dad for a little bit.  Mini me boy decided that he didn’t want to go the movies (basically a large sized television where I can sit and be lazy in the dark for 3 hours and not talk), so I had to use my brain to think of something else to do.  I decided to bring him to a face stuffing store (a restaurant) so we could get stuffed fuller than a turkey at Thanksgiving. That only took 30 minutes (curse you, Red Robin and your fast service!) so we had more time to kill.  Instead of doing something smart (like finding a furniture store with beds, couches and lazy boy chairs), I decided to tell the kid that we could go to Toys R Us. Stupid decision(I’ve got my doctorate in bad decision making). Why would I go to a place where annoying kids hang out again? For a coupon? 20% off for one item? While my son was off annoying other people, I saw something I had heard about but never seen. A bike with fat tires.  So many questions. Actually, just one.  Why the fat tires?

Many other questions came this week, like would anyone ever want Bitter Advice from me? And if so, why? That is a question I asked this week and for some reason people decided they wanted some answers.  People really need some help becoming bitter? I’m pretty bitter that people needed some help, since I’ve done over 300 posts giving them reasons why.

Two weeks ago, I decided I didn’t want to be in this Realm anymore, so I decided to go to the Video Game realm, but found myself just waiting in a line. It was almost as bad as waiting in line at DMV. I was able to bitter blog about it, in part 2, which may or may not tell if I make it into the world and if I do, what character and game I get assigned to.  Find out if there are more cliffhangers in Bitter Realm Part 2.

Going against the good advice of Alfred, my butler, I decided to reveal my Secret Identity.  If you read the post, you may find out what my Secret Identity is, but if you do find out what it is, then it won’t be a secret anymore.  So maybe you shouldn’t read it.  Besides, even if you don’t, it will probably not be revealed in the next post…

Which was a follow up to my Monday Post, called Bitter Advice Thursday, Man or B.A.T. Man for short.  This is where I actually answered questions really badly and bitterly.  For those that wanted to be bitter, this provided all kinds of way to be more so.

Then I finally ended the misery by doing some more Real Moving Giftures, since pictures move now.

I did some bittery twittery,

I got some comments,

On Bitter Advice Column:

“Question: Does your boss read your blog? And if so, why are you still employed?
(Hey where’s my finder’s fee?)” SJ Powers

On Bitter Realm Part 2:

“No way – not the worst. I mean…maybe. Maybe I have an odd appreciation for bad things? Either way – I’m happy you followed with a part two! :)Properly Ridiculous

On My Bitter Secret Identity:

“I live in L.A. Anyone who fights traffic is a hero to me. You have me convinced. And your son totally cheated.” Outlier Babe

On Bitter Advice Thursday:

“Right! But isn’t that what we love about you? You’re like an adult size sour patch kid, and who can resist them?” – anewperspectiveperhaps

On Real Moving Giftures Friday:

“And that is why I hate little yippy dogs.” – morichansgarden

 

And some Giftures:

Guess I'm gonna die soon.

Guess I’m gonna die soon.

 

 

Why I don't skateboard.

Why I don’t skateboard.

And that is why I’m out of here.

ARRRGGGHHHH

Bitter Toy Store Ben

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Real Moving Friday Giftures

 

It’s been an exhausting week.  I’ve learned things, like maybe I want to live on Neptune, not only because it rains diamonds there, but also there are so few people there.  Maybe even none. And if that is even a remote possibility, then…Probably not though.  There is a whole Neptunerds that just want to talk to you constantly and are even more annoying than humans.  If that is the case, all the rain diamonds in the world wouldn’t make it worth it.  Even if the weather there was a little cooler than here.  I thought this week had caused me to want to move, but then I remembered I could barely stand moving off the couch.  But there are other people that are foolish enough to move.  Take a look.

This guy’s heart…

...went plummeting to his knees.

…went plummeting to his knees.

 

This lady…

...was trying to move the stove...and her solar plexis.

…was trying to move the stove…and her solar plexis.

 

This guy was trying to move to second base…

...and got denied.

…and got denied.

 

 

This guy…

...or is it little girl was trying to move the audience.

…or is it little girl?… was trying to get the audience moving.

 

 

This guy…

...was trying to capture the elusive baseball player on camera.

…was trying to capture the elusive baseball player on camera.

 

This guy…

...was trying to get one of those mud facials.

…was trying to get one of those mud facials.

 

This guy…

...is moving the waterslide a little closer.

…is moving the waterslide a little closer.

 

This girl…

...shouldn't have tried to move so fast.

…shouldn’t have tried to move so fast.

 

This guy…

...is blowing up the spot.

…is blowing up the spot.

 

This guy…

...

…is gonna be moved to the hospital soon. 

 

This girl..

...can hairly move.

…can hairly move.

 

This lady….

...fell a liitttle short.

…fell a liitttle short.

 

And this diver…

...is quitting diving and going to attend shark week.

…is quitting diving and going to attend shark week.

 

And that is the last of moving I’m doing this week.  My fingers are taking the rest of the day off…along with my eyes, ears and face.  My mouth will and nose will be working around noon, but only to cram that pizza in my face and then it’s ignoring work for the rest of the day. In fact, I think I will take next week off to do nothing.

ARRRRGGGGGHHHH

Bitter Moving Ben

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bitter Advice Thursday, Man(B.A.T.MAN)

Just here to offer some B.A.T. advice.

Just here to offer some B.A.T. advice.

I told you I was Batman.  You totally didn’t believe me! If you read this blog with any regularity, (meaning you read on Monday) I asked the question to you if you wanted Bitter Advice from.  I thought it was a joke, because really? Someone wants advice from me? But a few people responded (with questions even!) so I am here on a Thursday answering question Dear Abby style, except not like that at all.  So as I blab along even further, here is some of the questions I got and some of the bitter answers you will get.  All of the questions will be anonymous, except for me adding their name and blog sight so you can hunt them down if you don’t like their question or me if you don’t like my answer.

Dear Bitter Ben,

Do you secretly want to be Liam Neeson? You seem to imply … [I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you're looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money but what I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you.] Gobetweenflames

Bitter Gobetweenflames,

Liam has been dying to play me in a movie because it would challenge even his most bitter characters to date.  As you know, most of the characters Liam plays are bitter, divorced fathers, alcoholic, deadbeat guy that kills a lot of people just because he has a gun.  But, Liam has yet to stretch himself to be as bitter a guy as me.  One that sits around all day on the couch, complaining about traffic, moving and heartburn.  Liam, you know where to find me.

 

Dear Bitter Ben,

My Dear Ben, Thanks for giving this nice opportunity to get Real Answers! You know, in the good old days, when the ticket machine would not deliver, We used to kick them. Now, my computer is very slow. Do You think Dropping it down from a height of some two metres would improve its speed? Can’t think of kicking it. Yours truly and all that.  – swamiyesudas

Bitter Swamiyesudas,

I’m not sure what you mean by a metre.  Is that some sort of device on the street that gives you a ticket if you park there illegally or don’t feed it some change? You really need to use smaller words when asking me for advice.

 

Dear Bitter Ben,

I think I could do with some bitter advice coming from you. The thing is, my internet has become incredibly slow from the past two days. The speed is like that of a dial – up connection (maybe even slower) and this is making me very angry as the internet is a huge part of my life. I tried venting my anger out on the customer service people of the internet company but they do not respond to me well. Those people may have started cracking jokes about me. What should I do with all of this anger and bitterness inside me? – Keerthi Poojari

 

Bitter Keerthi,

Here is what you do when your internet is slow.  You sit there and don’t do anything until it gets faster.  You whine and complain and say “uuuuhhhh, why does my life suck so much?” Then just keep clicking on refresh because we all know if you just keep doing that, it will work someday.

 

Dear Bitter Ben,

I’m annoyed. Your posts used to be easy to find on my Reader page. But now I scroll and scroll and nothing. I actually had to go to Google and type Ben’s Bitter Blog to get here and that’s just not right. So here’s my question. Why doesn’t WordPress have an easy to use search feature so I can find your blog? This is important because without your blog my Pollyanna nature gets the best of me and I start looking like a gray-haired Hayley Mills on a bad hair day. Help me please! – Barbara Rath

 

Bitter Barbara,

I’m gonna go ahead and say that I’m bitterly jealous of your last name.  Can you imagine the possibilities of using in bad puns?  Hi, I’m Barbara Rath of Khaaaaann!  or “I just can’t Rath my head around what you are saying!”.  I am just so bitterly jealous of you last name.  The only name that is better is my last name which is Bitter.

 

Dear Bitter Ben,

What makes you more bitter:
1) Wet, grey winter weather?
2) This week’s boiling hot weather?

Shelley

Bitter Shelley,

The third option.  I just heard that it rains diamonds on Neptune.  Why am I not living there and selling those diamonds to the pathetic people of earth! And also I hate the other two options as well.

 

Dear Bitter Ben,

How do I get my kids to stop telling me they’re “bored” this summer?
What should I do when I’m too lazy to get up off the couch and the remote is too far away?
How do I get people to leave me alone so I can watch my Golden Girls reruns in peace?

She’s a Maineiac

Bitter Maineiac,

To answer your first question, I ask you one.  You pay attention to your kids?  Why? The best way to get them to stop telling you stuff is to not listen to them.

Now this is what kids are for.  Or you keep watching whatever happens to be on TV.  You should never get up from your couch.  It is too dangerous.

If you have some food, throw it outside and they should follow.  Or Ipads work too.

 

Dear Ben (if that’s your REAL name),

I have this thing on my leg. I feel very alone with this, even though you’re never really alone when you have a thing on your leg. What should I do?

Yours in confusion,
Karen

Bitter Karen,

That thing on you leg? It’s called a knee.  What is does is there are these ligament thingys that bend and stretch to make you do horrible things like move and walk.  I would suggest getting them removed so you can sit on the couch all day like I do.  Then, when the zombie apacalypse comes they will think you are already one of them, or they will turn you into a zombie and you can continue sitting on the couch.  Either way, you win.

 

Alright that is enough.  I’m tired of answering your questions.  Typing takes a lot out of me and I’ve got naps to feed, and bellies to sleep.  And yeah, so I didn’t get to all your questions, but so what? Are you going to sue me? Go ahead.  Your lawyer won’t be able to find me, because I’m not at all predictable in which couch I sit on.

By the way, I will keep doing this every Thursday, if you keep sending bitter questions.  So please, keep bothering me with you questions. I like them so much.

ARRRRRGGGGHHHHH

Bitter B.A.T. Man Ben

 

My Bitter Secret Identity

dsfdsf

Surprise!

 

I’m going to let you all in on a little secret.  This one will probably take you a little time to process, but here goes.  I’m Batman.  Go ahead, gasp at your desk, or your phone or your Ipad.  Okay, have you had a chance to breathe?  Yes, I know it’s a little risky to tell you all this, but I’m doing it on this “Ben’s Bitter Blog” that some of you have been following for a quite a while.  Let’s be honest, though. If I called it Bruce’s Bitter Blog you would probably mob this blog and crash the sight every time I put out a post.  Because it is under the “disguise” of Ben’s Bitter Blog, it doesn’t exactly broadcast to the whole world.  And think about this.  If you all told people that you followed Batman on WordPress, they would all laugh in your face, so I’m pretty safe there.  Besides, what do you think a billionaire like myself does in his spare time? I’m pretty much caged up “like a bat” (get it?) in my mansion all the time, because if I go outside during the day, I’ll be mobbed by adoring fans.  And if I go out at night, I have to dress in my “night time costumes”.

Don’t believe me? Well consider this evidence why I am indisputably Batman.

1. I like the dark.  I don’t get scared when someone turns off the lights.

2. I have a deep voice that kind of sounds gravelly. It was mostly because I had a cold and so you don’t mistake me with my real identity.

3.  Ask my parents or my girlfriend Rachel Dawes.   Oh wait, you can’t.  But if you could they would tell you I’m Batman.

4. I hung upside down once.  It really hurt and a lot of blood rushed to my head and I decided not to do it again after that, but that proves I am bat like in my body positioning.

So I gave up my secret.

So I gave up my secret.

5. I was in a cave once. It was dark and kind of cold(make sure you wear a jacket if you ever go caving) and all I had was a flashlight.  I only got a little scared of the one tiny bat flying by in the distance.  Cause I’m Batman.

6. Have you ever seen me and Batman in the same room at the same time? Yeah, I didn’t think so. Go ahead send me pictures if you have them.

7. I taught myself how to fight.  I’ve been all around the house watching stuff on television and practicing my fighting moves on my son, and I almost always win.  So maybe he beat me that one time, but I was trying to changing from my Batsuit to my casual clothes, and he attacked while I was facing the other way.  He didn’t REALLY beat me.

Behold, some of my Batgear.  The Batfan.

Behold, some of my Batgear. The Batfan.

8. I’ve got all kinds of Batgear.  I can show you if you ever come over.  Just ignore the Toys R Us price tag on there.  I’ll get that off as soon as I get my Bat Sticker Removal Glove at Target.

9. The car I drive to work is totally a disguise.  Unfortunately, with the gas prices the way they are these days, I can’t exactly drive the Batmobile to work.  It gets like 3 miles a gallon.  And the manual locks and windows make me look “common” like the rest of you.

10. I’m really bitter.  You’d be bitter if you were a billionaire and all these wierdos kept attacking you and your parents died when you were young.  And Gotham kept thinking you were a villain.

11. I’m a mystery.  Where do you think I go everyday for lunch for an hour? Do you really think I go to the library and write?  Nope I’m out fighting high prices at department stores.  Where do you think I go at 3:30 pm every day?  I don’t get home until 4:30 pm.  I’m fighting traffic.

Speaking of mystery, I have to go.  I’m so busy doing stuff, that you may not hear anything from me for like 24 hours or so.  Just get used to not seeing me whenever you feel like it.  Right now I’m off to fight boredom.  Cause I’m Batman!

ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Batman Ben

 

 

 

The Bitter Realm Part 2

So, I did a post last week about leaving this realm and going to another because doing stuff in this realm is hard and I’m laaazy.  This is the continuation of that post, which bored and astounded no one.  If you want something to put you to sleep, read the first part right here.  If you want excitement and adventure, stop reading this post 63 words ago.

So, here I am still in this stupid line. They kicked me into the villain line, which was clearly a mistake.  Don’t they know who I am on the earth? I’m at least in the top 7 billion for most important and wealthiest people on earth. They need to learn a little respect.

ME: Excuse me person in front of me.  Why is it taking so long for me to get entrance in the video game realm? I’m getting really tired of standing.  How many are in front of you?

Person in front of me: If you would look right above you, you would see the number that says 4,873,904.  That is the number of people of ahead of you.  Wow, are you really that blind?

ME: Well, yeah I’m blind, they only gave me one good eye, see?  And this stupid hat that I’m wearing? I didn’t choose this. And where is my sword and valiant steed? How am I supposed slay the good guys when I don’t have all my equipment?

PIFOM: I think you are in the wrong line.  This is main villain line.  I think you need to be over there.

ME: Yeah, definitely that one over there.  It is so much shorter.

I wander over to the short line.  Yeah, this line is so much shorter.  Like all the people are really short.  In fact, it appears that I’m the only one here from earth and the only one over 1 foot tall.  A turtle is right in front of me.

ME: Oh hey there, really small turtle with big face and red shell.  You look so familiar.  Where have I seen you before?

He didn't have wings but he was definitely player hating me.

He didn’t have wings but he was definitely player hating me.

Turtle with big face and red shell: I’m from Super Mario Bros.

ME: Oh yeah, I remember you.  You’re the one that Mario stomps all over and then your shell knocks over all your other buddies.  Classic.  You’re so useless in that game.

TWBFARS: Excuse me? I’m important in that game.  I almost killed Mario once.

ME: Wow, really you never killed Mario, not even once? He had like 450 lives whittled down to one and you never even killed him once? I heard there was another red turtle that killed him just by touching him like 565 times.  You must be really bad at your job.

TWBFARS: Dude, really? At least I made a Mario game. What game have you ever been in?

ME: Oh, I’m still waiting to get into my first.  I imagine I’m gonna be an awesome villain.

TWBFARS: You haven’t been in one game yet?

I get bored of listening to TWBRARS and lay down, resting my head on his red shell.  All of sudden his head pops inside his shell.  I pull my head up, the rest it again and all of a sudden his shell takes off.  It starts knocking out everyone else in line. It bounces back toward me and I jump over it and it goes into the bottomless pit right behind me, that I just notice for the first time.

ME: Wow, that line cleared fast.

Registration guy: WHAT DID YOU JUST DO?

ME: I guess people got tired of waiting in line, huh? So what assignment do I get? Master Villain? Charming Hero?

RG: This is the line for minnions.

ME: Ooh so, one of the mini boss levels? Sweet.  So, do I get a cool power and just one glowing weak spot? Am I the next to last boss before the main boss?

RG: Nope.  Says right here you are generic square pebble in Atari Ms. Pac-Man.  Level 64. Upper right maze.

My new assignment.  But on level 64.  I'm the dot right up there in upper right.  See me?

My new assignment. But on level 64. I’m the dot right up there in upper right. See me?

ME: I’m outraged! Can you see the rage on my face?

RG: Not really.  Your face doesn’t have an emotion chip.  Pick up your costume at the place over there marked COSTUMES.

ME: Oh is it that one right there with the sign that says COSTUMES? I was having a really hard time figuring it out. Thanks. I’m not bitter at all.

RG(to himself, under his breath): I guess they didn’t get rid of his sarcasm chip.

Finally, I’m here.  In the video game realm.

Will there be a part three? Who knows? Not even me.  This may either be the worst blog post idea ever or…yeah it’s the worst.

ARRRRRRGGGGHHHH

Bitter Realm Ben

 

 

 

 

Bitter Advice Column

It will probably be cancelled before it ever starts.

It will probably be cancelled before it ever starts.

Hello bitter people who occasionally read my blog.  I have a question for you.  Yeah you.  You know.  The one that reads this because you are bored at work and you have no access to anything on the internet but WordPress…. Yeah you.  One commenter of my blog suggested that I am really good at giving bad and bitter advice.  So I was just wondering if any of you would be interested in me doing a post occasionally about me answering your questions(no matter how bad or innane) and giving bitter advice.  The downside is that your name would appear on my blog and someone might recognize you and want to follow your blog because they felt bad that you appeared here.  The upside is that there is no upside.  You know how it goes here.  If you feel like this is something that you want on here, go ahead and leave a question.  If I get desperate enough, I will just make up stuff and put your names on there anyways.  If you don’t have any questions, ignore it and I will come after you.  I will find all of you. Everyone one of you that don’t respond.  It will take a while for me to do, but I will get my revenge on you, and it will be the most bitter revenge ever.  They don’t call me Revengerman for nothing.  So, who’s first? Got any questions?

ARRRGGGGHHH

Bitter Advisor Ben

In case you missed it…because you were trying to sell you garage

Because you were busy getting your garage sold.

Because you were busy getting your garage sold.

It’s that time of year when you allow those annoying people that you can’t stand(other people) to invade your yard and pay to take the crap that you are trying to get rid of.  While you do get a little bit of money (let me stress a little), the trade off is that you have to be outside (and the aforementioned being near other people).  Things start out innocent enough.  Loading 14-100 bins of garbage from your house, shed and garage only take 8-12 weeks to organize.  Then on a Saturday at 6 am when you feel the most coherent and willing to work, you get up earlier than you would on a work day and organize some more boxes.  Then, stupid people that just happen to be out walking their dogs at 7 am that can’t read a sign that says 9 am – 4 pm, start going through your stuff.  It is my favorite thing, trying to pretend that “It’s fine go ahead and ignore the sign. Look through our stuff and give us a check for 2 dollars.”  After the 15,888 steps I took (about 15,000 more than I normally take on a Saturday), we finally ended the sale, and then the real work began.  How to get rid of the rest of the stuff that even the non discriminating garage sale people wouldn’t take.  I felt about the same as that junk.  After eating food at an organtic(not organic) restaurant that allowed bugs to eat its food, I slumped down in the lovesack to enjoy my nightly heartburn, vowing to never do work on a Saturday again.  So you didn’t miss much except….

This post that I did last week about not wanting to be around anymore.  I couldn’t take being on the earth anymore because it is so exhausting (what with all the talking to people and having to do garage sales and such) so I defected.  I decided to go to another realm.  It wasn’t pretty and I was having a little trouble getting in and then I ran out of time so I wasn’t able to complete it.  So I did what all writer’s do when they don’t know the ending.  (Pretended that there was a part two in The Bitter Realm Part 1.)

Then just cause I was just not feeling it on Friday, and because I had hit the wall, I decided to do Giftures about people hitting the wall.  You know, cause I’m pretty predictable as most people that know me can attest, the Giftures were about people hitting the wall.  Got it?

Then I may have done a few twitters about completely irrelevant topics that no one cared about.

There were bitter comments about posts that I did last week:

The Bitter Realm Part 1:

“I’m really, really, deeply not-good at video games where you have to do stuff in any particular time in order to survive. If you’d like some help being in Roller Coaster Tycoon I’m pretty good at that, though, and I’ve been getting into building side-friction roller coasters (a kind from before 1920, when they invented the “upstop wheels”, so these ones kind of do fly off the tracks, but they drop right back down onto them again).” Joseph Nebus

“This is so creative… I was bummed when it ended! When can I expect part 2? :)” – Properly Ridiculous

On Hitting the Wall Friday:

“That first GIF is just so beyond awesomely hilarious! I can’t even find good words for it… :D Have a nice weekend! :)Lvital7019

“That dang wall should’ve had his back. Just can’t count on anything these days, can you?” Kaela Moore

And then for you people that are more modern like, I have I new technology called moving pictures.

 

These Giftures go out to the the people that think they can have it all.

You can't.

You can’t.

 

and…

...you will only end up doing face palm after face palm.

…you will only end up doing face palm after face palm.

 

And you thought I was done and…you are wrong.  Three things before you are done reading.

I am the king of bitterly pimping out my blog.  I will tell strangers at garage sales, long lost aquaintances that I don’t want to be aquaintences anymore and other bloggers.  Other people have bravely recognized that (in other words they are quite smart at recognizing the obvious) and have asked me to promote them on my blog, which I am bitter to do.  They should just know that they are being promoted to a bitter audience.  Suckers!

First, I just wanted to introduce you to a blogger that is pretty new to the scene, but pretty bitter in her wit and sarcasm and wanted to get some new likes on her Facebook.  So go to Fits of Wit’s Facebook Page, and give her a bitter like or 2.

Second, normally I get comments that are pretty bitter, which I appreciate and help me realize how bad my posts are but this week one stood out like no other.  This one took the the time to respond to my post Bitter Realm Part 1 in a poem. You might know, I’m not a poet, but this one was pretty epically bitter:

“Oh Bitter Ben, you are such a muse
In the wrong line with so many clues
Your villainy should have been your first tip
Without having to listen to any Hero’s lip

The realm you are in is must be your real home
Only coming to Earth when needing to roam
To spread your bitterness both far and wide
With no place for any of us innocents to hide

So return to your realm or try a new game
To stay with the heroes seems rather lame
A sword and a shield will only confuse
And if you’re not careful, will cause you to lose ©

May the Bitter Force Be With You! ” – Snow

If I gave out an award for comment of the year, so far this would be one of the comments made this year.

Last, I have a blogger friend C. Miller that is releasing her second book tomorrow, Elude, which is the second in the four part series.  Before you read that one, make sure you check out Reave, the first book.  I really liked the first and I’m told the second is even better.

 

Now, go off and be bitter for another week and I will see if I can find more things for you to be bitter about.

Arrrggghhhh

Bitter Garagey Ben

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hitting a Wall Friday Giftures

You know how when you get to Friday and you’ve just given everything you can and you just can’t give anymore? Well, I usually feel like that by Monday, so you can imagine how little I care by today.  Sometimes you’ve just got to suck it up and be bitterly done on Friday and slump over in your chair.  It’s not like anyone will notice you aren’t working when your chair is empty most of the day. Maybe they will just think you went to the bathroom or you took an early lunch at 7 am for 8 hours.  Maybe they will assume you were just getting a drink when they notice that your computer never turned on at all today. Instead of working today, just go ahead and look at these giftures.  You could just claim that you were waiting for the gifs to finish, then you will get back to work.

 

Do you mind just getting out of the way…

 

...and I just don't care anymore.

…and I just don’t care anymore.

 

I’m gonna flip the crap out of this flip…

I'm totally g

…never mind. I’m just gonna lay here for a while.

 

 

I’ve been waiting all day…

punching package

…to get my Hawaiian Punch in the mail.

 

I’m gonna just make a jump over here…

thedar21

…never mind. I’m just gonna lie here in this garbage can.

 

 

Hey dog, did you hear the funny story about your mom…

sdfdf

…she was kind of a dog.

 

 

I can’t do it.  No more work…

...no more science.

…no more science.

 

If there is any more Friday happiness around here…

dfsfds

…I’m gonna have Chuck Norris kick it in the face.

 

 

I know…

sdfd

…I deserved that.

 

I hate to burst your balloon…

sdf

…but the snake doesn’t mind.

 

 I’m just gonna lay here for a while and…

...BIRDS!

…BIRDS!

 

 

I’ll just take a nice little micro nap…

sdfsdf

…while I gaaahkkk!

 

 

The best way to scare someone…

 

203

…is to shake your fists of frustration.

 

 Just make sure that when you hit the wall…

...you don't go through it.

…you don’t go through it.

 

Have a bitter Friday and make sure to not pace yourself and burn out quickly.  Because enduring is just as much of a pain.  And make sure to always hit a wall, because the wall will never hit back, and will always win.

Arrrghhhhh

Bitter Wall Hitting Ben

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Bitter Realm Part 1

 

sdf

I’m joining this realm soon.

 

After much contemplation (day dreaming at work) and coming to realization that I can’t stand anyone anymore, I have decided that I have had enough of this realm.  This earth has too much gravity (it’s always holding me down) and the trees (with their fancy leaves and their condescending looks from above)have ruled here too long. I’m defecting.  I can’t stand the day to day grind.  I keep doing the same thing over and over.  I keep eating food every day, I keep fighting the same traffic every day, I keep fixing the same mistakes of other people every day, I keep listening to the same whiners on the phone every day, I keep writing the same blog post every other day.  I have decided to defect.  Therefore, I have decided to embrace my pixely side.  Goodbye earth, hello world of video games.  As soon as I finish this paragraph, I’m going to the closest local portal to start my adventure.  I just hope that it isn’t one of those slow dial up 56k portals.  The traffic in that portal is horrendous.

Yep.

Hitting buttons on a joystick is the leading cause of violence.

Me(whispering): Alright everyone, I am here. By the way, I got stuck in one of those 28.8 K dial up portals.  Gosh dang my stupid luck. When I first got here they stuck me into some chamber that is supposed to cut you up into pixels then shrink you.  Unfortunately, they messed up several of my pixels, so I am well, kind of hideous.  I have a dark cloak and several scars. Everyone else in line seems to be bright colored, and perfectly shaped.  For some reason everyone in this line seems to be staring at me, as if I’m not supposed to be here. They are probably jealous because my skill level is a 10 and my brain level is an 8.  I wonder what sad, pathetic level all these other jokers are at.  From the looks of them, probably 1 or 2′s.

I’m gonna ask the guy behind me what level he is.

Me: Hey guy behind me, what level are you? (Snicker to myself.)

Guy behind me: I’m pretty low. I’m only a level 84.

Me: Ha, he probably means a .84.

Guy behind me: Who are you talking to? Nope I’m a level 84.  What are you?

Me: Ha, ha.  Um, I’m a level 108, of course. You are pretty low.  I will probably have to save you a lot from dying.

Guy behind me: Dude, there is a cap level of 100.  Noone can go over that. What is your real level?

Me: Oh look, it’s my turn to register. I’m probably going to like a Call of Duty, or Halo.

Registering guy: Sir, what are you doing here?

Me: I’m here to register for my video game assignment like everyone else, duh.

RG: Sir, this is the hero line.

Me: I know right? So what awesome realm will I be going to? Halo, Gears of War, Battlefield, one of the Final Fantasies? Please tell me it isn’t Earth again.  That place suuucked.

RG: Um, sir I think you are in the wrong line.

Me(whispering to RG): Actually, I think all the people behind me are.  I mean really? They all have shiny teeth, perfectly pressed clothes and they are all dressed in white? Bunch of nerds huh? After we are done here, I’ll tell them all to leave for you.

RG: I don’t think you are getting what I’m trying to say, sir.  You are a villain.  You should be in the other line.

Me: No, they messed up my body in the chamber thingy.  I got scars and they gave me this dark cloak by mistake.  But you know, I forgive them.  They can just send me that stuff later.  So what realm will I be going to?

RG: Security! We need to get this guy to the right line.

Some big dude with an oversized sword comes toward me.

Me: Cooool. I get a sword? I hope I get a shield too.

The security guard drags me about a hundred feet and all of a sudden, darkness.

Me: Hey, what happened to the lights? And why did that security guy not give me my sword?

Well, it is dark here. Of course I’m going to get this all sorted out.  I mean, why the heck would they make me wait in line with these villain fools? I’m sure it was just a huge mix up.  Well, when I figure it out, we’ll talk again. In the meantime, let me just leave you with

I guess I've used up all mine.

I guess I’ve used up all mine.

ARRRRRGGGGGHHHH

Bitter Realm Ben

 

In case you missed it…because you were busy celebrating Independence Day by being with you Framily

Because you were busy getting your knees wrecked.

Because you were being sooo independent.

Most of you, myself included, probably wanted to spend your whole weekend alone, playing video games, watching Netflix and trolling people on the internet worldwide.  My guess is that you, just like me, had to spend time with either your family or your friends because “it’s the holiday weekend” and “holidays are for getting together with people” to celebrate our “independence”.  Do people not know what independence means? It means to not depend on other people! The founding fighters of our country came here so the British would just leave us alone. So, now we celebrate it by being with people that bother us? We should be celebrating just like the founding fathers and telling others to leave us alone.

This last week I was doing my best to alienate others by doing posts that made them bitter such as the Explosively Bitter Giftures, which showed the best way to blow things up, and not your instagram feed.  Just in plain old Fireworky ways.

Then there was a bad display of taking care of the environment, things that I do almost every that ruin it.  What is even worse is how badly I take care of my own bitter ecosystem.  Find out more in the My Bitter Ecosystem post.

I did some bitter twitter:

There were some comments:

On Explosively Bitter Giftures:

“This post is so punny, it blew my mind.

Ha. Haha.

I hope you have a bitter 4th, Ben!” – Kaela Moore

“I’ve accidentally set my house on fire 4 times. YAY EXPLOSIONS!!!” Christina Cassidy

“I feel safe in the USA today because of Pac Norris.” – Kerbey

On Bitter Ecosystems:

“Your ecocentricity makes me bitter, man… ” – Mother Hen Diaries

“Ecosarcastic….love it. Visiting the cold shoulder is probably my favorite. ;) And driving all the time because no one else can do it bitter!” -mamaflybox

And then for you Bitter Eyeballs, several Independent Gifs:

Show your independence by taking a bike ride.

Take a nice explosive bike ride.

Take a ride on the explosive side.

 

Take in a World Cup game:

Look at Ames on Argentina! He's on fire!

Look at Ames on Argentina! He’s on fire!

 

Or just play a game of catch with your friends.

an apocolyptic game.

…an apocolyptic game.

 

Now go be bitter about your Sunday being over and your Monday looking at you creepily in the corner.

ARRRRRGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Induhpendent Ben

 

 

Explosively Bitter Giftures

Some people think the Fourth of July (or Independence Day as some people call it) is all about independence or picnic baskets with egg salad and red, white and blue Cheetos, but they are wrong because that is an opinion and only my opinion is right.  So I know you are on pins and needles, waiting to find out what it is all about.  Well, wait no longer. It is about fireworks.  And do you know why fireworks are the reason for the season? Nope, not for the pretty colors, or the fancy shapes the expensive ones make in the sky, but the explosions. Explosions are the only reason why any movie is good and the only reason cars are made.  Sure cars have the obligation to drive their human people around for a time, but that is just their career. Their real dream is to be a car in a movie or other kind of situation where it gets to combine all these dangerous chemicals together and explode in blaze of fire work heaven.  So, who (besides cars), is ready for some explosive giftures?

 

Set the timer for 45 minutes…

...and watch the explosion magic.

…and watch the explosion magic.

 

With a little slight of hand…

...and make some history.

…you can make(I mean be)  history.

 

Do an epic stunt…

...and your instagram will blow up.

…and watch your instagram blow up.

 

What happens when you mix Mentos…

What happens when you mix Mentos..

….and Diet Coke? Magic explosions bro.

 

You better make sure you aren’t behind me..

lkjkl

…if Beiber ever accidentally gets on my Ipod.  Say goodbye to Antarctica.

 

Things are getting hot in herr..

slfkjdsf

…sword of.

 

Hey look! It’s the Loch Ness Monster…

...uhhhhh

…uhhhhh…nope never mind that wasn’t him.

 

When lighting off those fireworks, don’t mess…

adds

…with the Mighty Morphin Park Rangers. 

 

This one looks like a really fun and exciting way to blow something up…

 

...but this is a pretty tired explosion.

…but this is a pretty tired explosion.

 

Who is tougher?

sfdf

An NFL Defensive line?

 

or…

Or and NHL Face Off?

Or an NHL Face Off?

 

The winner?

chucksplosion

Chuck.

 

Have an explosive 4th.  May your phone blow up with calls, may your party favors backfire, may your fireworks be duds.

ARRRRGGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Blown up Ben

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Bitter Ecosystem

This where you will NOT be visiting this summer.

This where you will NOT be visiting this summer.

As summer heats up, many people turn their attention to being at work all day, while some “other lucky people” that aren’t them are going on glamourous vacations to tropical paradises around the world.  Some people are jealous of the sandy beaches that other get to soak up the rays in.  Others are jealous of the people that get to on a sweat soaked jungle adventure, while still others are bitter of others that get to adventure on cross country road trips, seeing all kinds of landscapes, barren deserts, dry, cool forests or dangerous volcanoes.  There is something for everyone to be jealous of this summer and that is what makes this earth so unique.  We have this giant world out there to explore and we don’t get to see any part of it except for the stupid view out the window we have to get up from our desk to view.  The earth isn’t the only thing that has an ecosystem.  We all have one inside us.  Like me.  My bitterness takes all kinds of ecosystems.

There is no Oasis in the Bitter Desert.

There is no Oasis in the Bitter Desert.

The Desert -  I hope what I just spelled is the dry, dusty, place and not the thing you eat after dinner.  Cause being around me is no treat.  My personality and sense of humor are drier and dustier than the Sahara Desert.  No one can meet me or talk to me for more that 5 minutes and survive the utter boredom within that part of my ecosystem.  You will be begging for some water, or will even take sand over having to be around me any longer.  Unfortunately, any hope for an oasis is an illusion.  Flee before it is too late and you are caught up in the deadly sandstorms.

Don't expect to make it off this island.

Don’t expect to make it off this island.

The Island – While it seems intriguing to make a visit to an island, with the promise of sandy white beaches and gorgeous sunsets, you must always remember that it is an island.  You are surrounded by sharks, leaches and really annoying overtalkers.  Despite warnings like this sign at the entrance of the island, “You are not welcome here. Go back to your cubicle to where you came from and never speak of this place to any of your friends,” people continue to brave the waters.  There is no entertainment here, it isn’t quiet, there is not shade from the sun, the food is poisonous, the wildlife is evenworse.  Death lurks around every corner.  There are no homemade lei’s to welcome you here.  Do not enter.

If you don't go away soon, I, uh, it will erupt.

If you don’t go away soon, I, uh, it will erupt.

The Volcano – This volcano has been inactive for 41 years.  It is lazy and lethargic but don’t mistake that for its ability to be a danger to you at any time.  It has been building up resentment, anger and rage for a long time now and all it needs to blow its top is another stupid word from you.  And you wouldn’t like this volcano when it is angry.  But go ahead, try the old bike trip up to the volcano.  Nothing bad’s happened here before.

Leads directly to Mistake Lake.

Leads directly to Mistake Lake.

The Raging Rapids – Are you a control freak? Do you always drive because you just can’t trust anyone else to do it bitter than you?  Do you always wake up at the same time everyday? Is your sock drawer organized? Then welcome to Raging Rapids where you will never feel in control.  We have plenty of No Sense of Security rafts here.  Join your Instructor I. M. Unstable as he takes you on a rapids tour on Insecure River that leads to Mistake Lake.

Don't forget to visit Cold Shoulder.  It will make you feel right at home.

Don’t forget to visit Cold Shoulder. It will make you feel right at home.

 

The Frozen Tundra - Bring your gloves and heavy coat here because you will be visiting a lot of places here.  Come visit the Cold Shoulder.  A place where you can talk to your hearts content and you will be ignored as if you were talking to a rock.  If the Cold Shoulder isn’t enough for you, there is always the Icy Heart.  It was once called Warm Heart where people once felt excited and comfortable, but when it froze became an impenitrible fortress of unwelcomeness. Be prepared to feel betrayed by your visit there.   There is also a hotel the helps you feel really unwelcome with their Cold Reception desk, and no elevator but lots of Icy Stares.

There is a whole big world out there, full of adventure.  Look out your window longingly at it, knowing you will never get to see any of it, except on your computer desktop and that one failing memory you have when you were a bratty kid and didn’t appreciate that one vacation your parents took you on.  This will help form the Bitter Ecosystem that is becoming you.

ARRRRGGGGHHH

Bitter Ecosarcastic Ben

 

 

In case you missed it…because you were busy getting lost in the forest

Because you were the cameras were in your face.

Because you were getting lost.

On the weekends, I rarely venture off the land mass known as leather couch island, but for some reason some miniature life form kept brow beating me to leave the island as as he does from time to time.  Instead of continuing to allow my unshaven brows to receive a Mike Tyson like beating, I decided to allow the young earth person to drag my couch melded body to the bitter outdoors.  The 95% cloud covered sky was so bright that I could barely see 80 feet in front of my face, but somehow I found a way to load up his two wheeled ET transport vehicle and made our way to the local forest, one that had no trees, a big lawn, a bunch plastic equipment that had swing-like devices, slide-like devices, merry-go-round-like devices and a bunch of annoying little people-like devices running around them.   The young person didn’t only want to play in the local area, thus allowing me to meld with the plastic bench, but wanted to venture to a path that lead below some tall wooden things with green plastic leave things at the top.  Of course 4 feet in the wooded area we got lost and could only find out way out seconds later.  He later wanted to climb the plastic mountains and it was exhausting having to stand for seconds on end film him doing parkour or whatever the kids are calling the climbing on of the object thingys.  This caused me to miss not only valuable shade time on the couch, but also made it impossible to blog. Here’s what you missed while you were getting lost going places:

Music. Really bad and uplifting music.  Music that would make you want to dance and smile and happy.  Yeah, the kind of music that needs to be banned and changed and…bitterized.  Very much so.  You can see the taking down of upbeat music by me in Bitterizing Upbeat Music.

Being a jerk.  It is something that comes naturally to someone like me, so I decided to impart a tiny bit of my huge range of knowledge on the subject.  I also showed a few examples via my Friday Giftures in Bitter Friday Jerktures.

I tweeted:

 

And I got some gifs:

 

This is Tuesday...

This is Tuesday…

 

And this is fail day...

And this is fail day…

 

If you don’t get lost in the forest, at least you can get lost on the way to work, or in whatever it was you were supposed to be doing.

ARRRRGGGHHH

Bitter Lost Ben

 

 

Bitter Friday Jerktures

Hey Bitter human people (and the rest of you..). It freaking Friday and it is time to start acting like a freaking jerk. (So like I act every day.  I have a few suggestions in case you need some.)  Be mean to your neighbors, slow down significantly in in fast lane on the freeway, buy day old doughnuts and sell them and hour old doughnuts, take cuts in line, tell your kids that school starts tomorrow, follow someone’s blog then never like or comment on their blog.  Buy a one way airplane ticket for someone you dislike to Antartica, send someone an email filled with viruses, get someone’s credit card number and go online and buy $800 worth of My Little Ponies and send it to that guy’s girlfriend with a note that says, “I wanted to ask you to marry me and instead of getting you a ring, I got you $800 worth of My Little Ponies, because I love you that little.  I got a ring, but it was for my mom.” Or if you don’t like any of my ideas, you can do the following:

 

Be a jerk…

 

...stealing someone's lunch.

…by stealing someone’s lunch.

 

 

Be a jerk…

...by eating someone's dessert.

…by eating someone’s dessert.

 

 

Be a jerk…

...by asking for more bread at dinner.

…by asking for more bread at dinner.

 

 

Be a jerk…

...by helping some find the floor.

…by helping someone find the floor.

 

 

Be a jerk…

...deny, deny, denying...

…by one, two, three strikes you’re out at the old lipstick gymnastics. 

 

 

Be a jerk…

...

...by acting like a little baby.

 

 

Be a jerk..

..

…by walking down a trippy runway.

 

 

Be a jerk…

..turning up for what!

..turning up for what!

 

 

Be a jerk…

...playing itsy bitsy spider.

…playing itsy bitsy spider.

 

 

Be a jerk…

...setting off fireworks on the third of July.

…setting off fireworks a little too early and on helmet. 

 

 

Be a jerk…

...

…when sharing the love.

 

 

And finally, be a jerk…

..by wrapping things up.

..by wrapping things up.

 

Like I’m gonna be wrapping this thing up.  Cause I’ve being a jerk to others to do right now and I’ve got no time for you fools.  Now, get out there and be a jerk. You know, like you are all the time.

ARRRRRGGGGGHHHH

Bitter Jerk Ben

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bitterizing Upbeat Music

The singers of Everything is Awful.

The singers of Everything is Awful.

Music has been on my brain a lot lately, especially this last weekend.  I had the displeasure of seeing the Lego Movie because my kids “claimed” it was good and “claimed” it had a twist ending, but you should know by know how I feel about that.  If you don’t, you can go back to the days gone by and read my review of the Lego Movie before it came out in theatres.  All you need to know is that it featured Legos and Legos sometimes feature themselves in the carpet in our house.  And sometimes, I walk in the carpet barefoot.  Getting the gist? (only the most clueless wouldn’t, like me. Not sure what is happening here?)

So, the Lego movie featured a song.  Only one song.  If you’ve seen the movie, I’m pretty sure you know exactly what song I am talking about.  If you have not seen the movie, you know exactly what song I’m talking about.  It is a song called Everything is Awesome and it is the worst song ever.  It is catchy, and rythmic and it took up permanent residence in my brain the moment the first note was played, the first phrase was uttered and my brain being the jerk it is, decided to store this one short term and long term.  He didn’t keep it way back in the recesses where all my good ideas are stored, or where the one nice thing I ever thought is.  Nope.  He kept it front and center.  Right where every other annoying song and bad jingle and every other annoying thought and person is.  Where I keep my rage and bitterness.  Right there below the surface.  Well, since is clearly isn’t going to go away, I am going to make a mockery of it and everything it stands for. It is my revenge, brain.  Take this! I’m changing the words to:

Yeah, me too.

Yeah, me too.

 

Sung in a bitter and angry tone:

Everything is Awful – (The Bitter Ben anger remix)

Everything is awful, everything is cruel when you’re part of a team,

Everything is awful, when you are dying during your dreams

Everything is bitter, when we are falling apart at the seams

Apart from each other, we are gonna lose forever

Let’s party never,

I’m not like you, you’re not like me

Let’s work apart in disharmony

 

Waaaah, 3,2,1 staaaap!

Have you heard the news? Everyone’s stalking

Life is crap, cause everything is awful

Lost my job, there’s no opportunities

No free time for my awful community

I feel more awful than an awful possum

Dip my body in rotton frostin’

Three years later still findin frostin on me

Smellin like garbage, everything is awful

Stepped in mud, got some stinky brown shoes

It’s awful to win and it’s awful to lose

Dark skies, twangy strings, we just named two awful things

An Ignoble Prize, a piece of string

You know what’s awful, everything!

Dogs with fleas, allergies

A book of Geek antiquities

Holey Pants, an old dusty vest

Awful items are the wor-est

Trees, frogs, clogs, they’re awful

Rocks, clocks, and socks they’re awful

Figs, jigs, and twigs, they’re awful

Everything you see or think or say is awful.

 

Now doesn’t that make the movie sound so much bitter?  More despair and negativity and life-sucking miserableness? Now that is a movie song.  That is one to get caught in your brain, to start off an incredibly Miserable Monday or Terrible Tuesday singing that as you greet your co-workers and letting them know how you think of them?

Well, there’s one more.

Another song on the bitter soundtrack of awfulness.  An emmy-winning, Oscar-winning, load of positivity that needs to be taken down.  If you haven’t heard of this piece of tree hugging, soul giving, piece of light fluffy bunny fresh air Sunny D garbage, then you haven’t heard anything ever on this earth. I wish I was you.  The song I’m talking about is Will Pharell’s song Happy that is so full of sugar, that it is trying to infect my dark black soul.  It’s is causing me to have a cholesterol (the thing that is taking the place of where the heart is supposed to be) attack and go into bitter convulsions.  For those of you who also can’t take the Happy anymore, just replace the upbeat beat, with downtrodden irregular cholesterol beats and sing badly in discord without me to the sounds of the bitter beats:

Simon is overwhelmed by how Happy he is.

Simon is overwhelmed by how Happy he is.

Crappy (or Creepy or Bitter, or Nappy) – By Bitter Ben (The non imaginative house battering version remix)

It’s definitely crazy what I’m ’bout to say

The Dark Knight he’s here, you can get a broken leg

I’m full of hot air, there’s not enough space,

With the air, I don’t care,  Baby, you’re in my freakin way

Because I’m Creepppyyyy

Creep along if you like to stalk a room without a roof.

Because I’m Creepppy

Creep along if you feel like bitterness is the truth

Because I’m Creeppppyy

Creep along if you know what creepiness is to you

Because I’m Creepppy

Creep along if you feel like creepiness is what you do

Verse 2

Here comes bad news, everything is the worst (Yeah!)

Well, here’s all my bitterness, I’m not holding back(Yeah!)

I should probably warn you, I’ll be just bitter!(Yeah!)

Offense to you, really waste your time, here’s why…

Bridge

Keep me down

Nothing can’t bring me down

My level’s low, but you can still bring me down

Still keep trying to bring me down, I say…

 

These bitter versions will be widely available in Tower Records, Blockbuster Video, Circuit City or on Zunes everywhere.

ARRRRGGGHHHHH

Bitter Izing Beats Ben

 

 

In case missed it…because you were busy ruining your knees at your Father Daughter Dance

Because you were busy getting your knees wrecked.

Because you were busy getting your knees wrecked.

They are only knees right? It’s not like I kneed them for laying down on the couch, or sitting at work or anything. Might as well dance like an idiot in front of my daughter, her friends, and their dads right? And who doesn’t want to listen to music you haven’t hear since you were in diapers (or before for most of you).  There was Crystal Light and cookies that formed the most perfectly hideous taste together, and glowsticks as the worst sort of light ever.  There was the photos of an old sweaty guy embarassing his daughter, soon to be put on Facebook for none of the world to see. Yep, totally not worth it.

So while you were out ruining your knees, or other non important things like you backs or brains, I put out a few non important posts.  Such as the genius post like Spurs NBA Champ Bitterness.  Sure they won the championship, but they lost a bunch of games too.  If I would have lost that many, I would have been kicked out of school.  At least they get punished by making millions of dollars and getting a 3 month summer vacation.

I say a lot of stupid and bitter things and a lot of people want to hurt me.  Luckily I have a Stunt Double.  Unluckily, my stunt double makes me do his stunts.  Like for instance, ruining my knees at a dance.  Find out what else my stunt double made me do in Stunt Double Bitterness.

In a movie that needed more stunts than a Hollywood Action Movie, uh Fast and Furious 6 (which is a Hollywood Action Movie) used the motto Ride or Die.  I don’t think of those as mutually exclusive, but in their small world, I guess it is the only choice.  Let’s just hope my next commute doesn’t produce that choice between riding and dying.  Find out more on Ride or Die Friday Giftures.

Tweets came faster than a Hollywood Blockbuster, uh, I mean a car in a race in a Hollywood Blockbuster (don’t be jealous of my fancy metaphors or similies or whatever those things are).

It would be nice if your boss would give you a courtesy call before stopping by your cubicle and so rudely interrupting your web browsing.

I just bought an 11 oz. bottle of Lemonade for $1.99. The only thing that is more irritating than getting charged that much is my stupidity.

I think when a song needs to censor a bad word in a song on the radio, they should just use annoying co-worker voice to cover it.

Then there were way more clever comments to way not clever posts.

On Spurs Champ Bitterness:

“My problem is I grew up in New Jersey, so who was I going to root for, the Nets? Or someone playing professional basketball?” Joseph Nebus

“Wow. With this, I actually read about sports. It’s the first time. And I’m not bitter about it.” Gunmetal Geisha

“LOVED this.
Mostly because of them never listening to you. I feel you there. I can’t tell you how often I throw my hands up (when watching my Cats) and shout, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!”
And money trees, haha. Pretty much.” C. Miller

On Bitter Stunt Double:

“A bitterly terrible space-filler of a post. I now feel relieved… oops… sorry, I’ll mop that up. Some of us can’t afford the luxury of a stunt double, some of us have to do everything ourselves… tsk! ;)Ishaiya

“I was reading along, smiling, chuckling, enjoying, UNTIL I came to your sentence: ‘Joan River’s will mock and taunt and squeak in some high pitched tone that only the devil understands’ and I spewed tea all over my desk. Dang you crack me UP! Thanks for ruining my keyboard.” longchaps2

“Thank you for further helping me procrastinate by killing time in reading your post.” Sarah

On Ride or Die Friday Giftures:

“Hahahaha! The grocery cart olympic guy is 100% just going to walk away. Smooth. So smooth.” Kaela Moore

“I’m bitter that all my wheelbarrow race partners were not this good. I’m also bitter about the way that woman was cooking the salmon; she was totally ruining it even before she threw it out the window. Wasted food makes my bitterness bitter….” Morichansgarden

“Do they sell that pillow case? I need one. Three, I mean.” Kerbey

And finally…your favorite of my posts…Ignoring all the words and seeing BITTER GIFS….

Someone worse at using a tape measure than me.

Someone worse at using a tape measure than me.

What's a laptop? You just type random things like this to get viruses right?

What’s a laptop? You just type random things like this to get viruses right?

ARRRRGGGHHH

Bitter Kneading Ben