The Alphabitter

This is how you learn about the alphabet.  This is Annoying Albert, I think.  Next was Bitter Ben.

This is how you learn about the alphabet. This is Annoying Albert, I think. Next was Bitter Ben.


They say everything you ever learned, you learned in Kindergarten.  While all my bitter learning took place well before kindergarten, there are other fundamental bitter things that came after.  I did learn about the ABC’s in kindergarten by way of the Letter People, which I guess isn’t the way that people learn these days.  That is a shame, because back then letters had personality and some were actually a little bitter. Nowadays, they are just boring letters and they form stupid words like “smile”, “positivity” and “selfie”.  Sure they may show in up in cereal every once in a while in the form of a marshmallow, but words are way overrated especially when people are using them to talk to me.

It’s time for a hardware upgrade on the old fashioned 26 letter alphabitter (at least here in Amurica).  Let’s stop teaching little babies to say Mom and Dad, and start teaching them the Alphabitter.

Note: It may appear that the alphabitter “borrows” letters from the current one, but that is just a lack of the imagination on your part and the lack of a keyboard that types the Alphabitter yet.  An Alphabitter letter may look like words but they are letters with meanings and it doesn’t limit itself to just one letter per letter (You know what I’m saying?)

The proposed alphabet in Alphabitterical order:

I know this is a lot to digest, but hang in there.  Or don't.

I know this is a lot to digest, but hang in there. Or don’t.

ARRRRGGGH – This should be the way we express our distaste for anytime anyone ever asks us to do anything ever.

Bitter – This is the root of everything we do.  If we are from America, we are Bittericans.  If we are employees, we Bitterees.  If we are angry all the time, we are Bitter. The English language might claim they had this first, but they are wrong.

Cacabals – This describes how you feels on Mondays, any hour between when you get to work and when you leave.

Discagigate – This is what we do to someone that we can’t stand.

Ergonoway – A subtle and devious way to say nope.

What happens when someone tells you Ergonoway.

What happens when someone tells you Ergonoway.

Fractension -  The bitter divide in opinions between you are right and everyone else is wrong.

Gactorrepulsive – A way to describe Julia Roberts, Tom Cruise, or Rosie O Donnell.

Hafalump – What you feel like at the end of the day after every day of work ever.

Inspiritated – What happens when you are trying to come up with a blog post and people at work, or “family” or “friends” are insisting that you do something besides post stuff.

When someone

I’m inspiritated right now. 

Jaspatic – A type of bird similar to a loon only with more ticks.

Kackspurilla – When you are feeling not at all thrilled.

Luzaltim – When no matter how hard you try, you still end up in second or worse.

Megaunahkill – A slight, yet not slight at all feeling toward anyone that gets in your way.

Naztxover – When you confuse someone so thoroughly that they can’t concentrate on doing anything but getting revenge on you for the rest of their life.

Racoons are experts at Opp

Racoons are experts at Oppyayunome.

Oppyayunome – Stealing what isn’t yours and not having any regret about it.

Powztofayz – A shock so shocking that you are shocked and are reeling from the shock of all the shocks.

Qzqxz – Something so rare that if you don’t pick it up right now, you will regret it for the rest of your life.

Ratsperabz – A disease that causes constant wringing of hands, nose scratching and eye fluttering.

Snodictato – Someone that does not deal with authority well at all.

Tetasto – An extremely bitter herb that goes on the top of salad to make it taste even worse.

Unclistery – The act of talking really fast and not making sense at all.

Vespitake – The clearing of your voice before you say something really vile to someone.

Wandagohoam – It is something you desire to do always, but will never get to do.

Xpertinly – When someone is super smart, but has no common sense.

Yeddinspring – Having dreams of doing something, but always getting let down.

Zanticolix – A desperate cry for attention that will never happen.

It will only take a few minutes to read and study the Alphabitter and you should have it memorized.  Just make sure you are in a bitter frame of mind and when you learn it, and that you are ready to start teaching your kids or any other random baby you come across, so that this take can take over the way overused alpahabet.  Soon you should start seeing keyboards with the Alphabitter on it instead the ABC’s.

Note: There is no need to spell these right or use them with proper grammar as that is something that only the Alphabet requires.


Bitter Snodictato Ben


In case you missed it…because you needed more things to add to your busy life

Because you are extra larger from Easter Weekend.

Because you had nothing better to do.

Whether you were doing chores, overindulging on Easter candy or spending too much time watching the NBA Playoffs, cutting the grass, going grocery shopping or catching up on all your family arguments or being lazy ignoring all the things you have to do, you were busy the last two weeks.  I was so busy doing nothing important that I didn’t get around to updating you on all the posts you didn’t have time to read, nor want to read.  But, this blog has always been about making both you and I uncomfortable, so let’s both have some awkwardness, shall we?

My birthday came at a busy time in my vacation in Utah.  I was doing a really good job of neglecting as many people as possible that day, but failed.  What I didn’t fail at was coming up with 41 things to be bitter about.   Read more about that crap in 41 Things to be Bitter About.

Then that Friday, all kinds of things were getting in my way, especially those so called “majestic” mountains that everyone likes to ski down, but no one likes to get trapped on.  So giftures were badly needed to explain how much people were getting in my way in The Mountainous Barriers of Friday Giftures.

Last week was about the roadtrip home and how decidedly inconvenient it is to have satellite radio, which allows for stations to come in clear and not scratchy the whole way, so you don’t have to find some crappy local farm report station in the middle of a mountain pass.  Yet, with all the thousands of stations available, only a few were “suitable” for the whole family, and that one “suitable” for the whole family station only played 14 songs.  Experience the frustration in Road Trip Music Bitterness.

Another frustration that we as many others do in a road trip/vacation is the Sun.  Getting in your eyes, melting stuff, only coming out when it wants to, and making really crappy foods are just a few things the sun do that make me bitter.  Find out more in The Bitter Sun.

Finally last Friday, I was having all kinds of luck.  And by luck I mean bad luck.  And by bad luck I mean disasters.  And by disasters I mean really bad things, like light bulbs failing and having to change them, electric toothbrush working too fast, getting water on my socks, etc.  To express my bitter rage, I did some Cluster Luck Friday Giftures.


Some Twitters over the last few weeks:



Some comments:

On 41 reasons to be Bitter:

“Clowns should be #1. I hate clowns, they freak me out so much I could scream. I’m sitting here thinking of clowns and getting scared and there aren’t even any around. Or what if there are? I really should install a security system for cases like this…

I hope you had the bitterest birthday of them all, but it sounds like you already had the task well in hand!

Also, #39 – Diarrhea.” – Katie Renee

“Bitter Birthday, B-boy! Not knowing the exact date, hoping these wishes arrived late to add to your bitterness, and that all of your gifts made you gush:

“Oh. Gee…thanks.”

BTW, all loose sofa pillows must DIE. But facts during arguments? The ONLY way to argue. Some silly man once told me, in anger: “The problem with you is, you argue too LOGICALLY!”
(Eh. What else can one expect from a member of the ditzy gender?)

Funny post, sir.” – Outlier Babe

“Happy Birthday Bitter Ben!
I second you on your #1 annoying thing.
To answer #20 – because Micheal Jackson lol
Annnnnd for your birthday I’d get you grumpy cat =P

I think I speak for all women- leave our decorative pillows ALONE! Lol jk” – Shawna in Wonderland

On the Mountainous Barriers of Friday Giftures:

“Who needs to wear pants anyway! They are stifling and I would avoid them like this if I could. Shorts are preferred.” Backuphill

“Plus, there are yetis.” – Iona Martin

On Road Trip Music Bitterness:

“Road trips with kids. I still wake up in a cold sweat thinking about it…and my kids are 30ish :)” – Sue Slaught

“I would rather drive into a wall or past a cliff if that Fox song came on and I had no way of changing the station or silencing the radio. I have never actually heard it, but I saw a gif of it on Tumblr, got insanely annoyed for whatever reason, and vowed to avoid it forever. So far so good.” – Sam

“A deluded part of me hopes my future rugrats will be into classic rock. Can’t I train them at a young age by playing it every night by their crib over and over and over?
And I can Pavlov them by making them eat rocks every time a One Direction song plays?” – Fits of Wit

On The Bitter Sun:

“I think you should have spent more time on the sun-dried tomatoes. If it weren’t the sun, no one would have ever thought that was a good idea.” – Katie

““Since the beginning of time, man has yearned to destroy the sun.” —Mr. Burns” – the Philosophunculist

On Cluster Luck Friday Giftures:

“Wishing you mad amounts of cluster luck this weekend, eating peeps.” – Brickhouse Chick

“Ughhh, I want to have a serious talk with the egg beater girl.” – Adixon210

“Sometimes, bad luck does follow certain people…& sometimes, it’s funny. I really hope this becomes a reoccurring Friday post.” – Properly Ridiculous

And finally after all this, some bonus giftures:


...And Fight!

…And Fight!


...and Race!

…and Race!



aaaannnd…..I’m out of here.


Bitter Freaking Ben




Cluster luck Friday Giftures

My life is a running disaster.  Not in the traditional sense of lightning bolts coming down from the sky, hurricanes lifting my house all the way to Oz, or Spokane, floods overflowing the water table in my basement, or molten lava coming down from an angry volcano.  It’s more like a light bulb goes out and I have to change it, my electric toothbrush runs a little too fast, the water on the bathroom floor gets my socks a little wet, or pizza burns the roof of my mouth.  You know, like real disasters.  In light of the constant disasters in my life, I present you with Cluster Luck Friday Giftures:


I hate it when there is no doorbell…


I hate it w

…it hurts my knuckles to knock.


It is such a disaster….


…when I sleep a little too long and I feel groggy.


It’s always such a disaster…



…when I get such cheaply made alarm clocks that they fall apart at the lightest touch.


One time when I was trying to watch a video on my phone….

…and there was only 4G and it started buffering. So inconvenient…


One time I was standing…


and all of a sudden, I wasn't.

…and then, all of a sudden, I wasn’t.


Then there was this other time that I was on a surfboard…


...and then I wasn't.

...and then I wasn’t.


Then there was that one time at the grocery store…



...when they were trying to cart me out.

…in the fall when they were trying to cart me out.



Then there was that time when I got a ticket…

...for being a baller.

...for being a wreckless baller.


There was the disaster one time…



...I found a hair in my cookie.

… when I found a hair in my cookie.


One time it was sunny…

...when I got sun in my eyes.

…and I forgot my sunglasses.


Then one time I ran over a kid’s airplane.


I was so mad at him for getting debris in my tires.

I was so mad at him for getting debris in my tires. Kids….


Then one time I asked my buddies for help to pop a huge ball…


...they couldn't even do that right.

…and they couldn’t even do that right.


Then I was trying to ask a guy on the street for directions…

…and the dude totally ruined my windshield. Walked away and didn’t even offer to pay. (Good thing I recorded it.)



I’ve heard a rumor that someday something good will happen to me. Don’t believe it.  Rumors are never true…Except that one time that wasn’t me.

Have a Cluster Lucky Bitter Friday.


Bitter FridayCluster Ben

The Bitter Sun

The only way to see the sun some days is to be Superman.

The only way to see the sun some days is with your heat vision.



It’s something like 92 million miles away and it gives Superman his Super Abilities with almost no weaknesses, but the Sun can be kind of a jerk sometimes.  On the recent road trip I went on, I talked about my disdain for the heavy repeat of songs, Disney in any form and the stupid titles and lyrics that were written by turtles that don’t know how to write, but I didn’t mention how the sun treated us like kids 5-13 treat a cassette player(you’ve seen the YouTube Video.  If not, I’ll link it here for your disdain.)

So full of itself.

So full of itself.

The Sun is  self centered and full of itself.  Have you seen this thing? (I haven’t, because every time I try to look it directly in the eyes, it burns my eyes out!) Well, it sits there on it’s mighty throne and makes all the 9 planets revolve around it.  It’s pretty cocky thinking that we should always do its bidding.  All it has ever done for us is sustain life and not burnt us to a crisp.  But what about all the other planets.  Too hot on some, not hot enough on others.  I’ve always been kind of a homer when it comes to the earth, but how do you think that makes Saturn feel?  It’s got some cool rings it would like to show off to us humans, but it can’t because the sun isn’t cool enough (it guess it’s kind of hot), to share some of the wealth with the other planets.


For as mighty as the sun is, claiming it superiority over light bulbs, energy crystals, and central heating when it comes to light and heat, it sure is kind a wimp when it comes to clouds.  If the sun is so powerful, why does it always hide? If it is really in charge of heating the whole planet, how come it does it so much for the equator, but so little for the Pole and the Dakotas?  What did they ever do to the sun that it shuns them so much?

How about a little golden brown?

Burn, my little marshmallows!

And when it comes to toasting marshmallows (I mean people) the sun gets as overeager as a first time camper.  I keep telling it just to toast me a little, then turn me counter clockwise.  But for some reason the sun either burns me like the fires of Hades, or keeps me as white as the snow it keeps not melting.   All I want is to be golden brown for once.  Is that such a hard thing to ask?

I got time.  The sun is pretty slow.

I got time. The sun is pretty slow.

Speaking of snow, why is the sun so slooowww?  We named the summer and winter after the sun(solstices) and yet, when it comes to doleing out the proper amount of heat and light, the sun seems a litttle slow when it comes to coming out in the winter and a littttle to comfortable hanging back in the winter.  When it comes to drying things, the sun just takes its time.  Have you seen how long it takes to make sun dried tomatoes?


So deliciously gross..

If they are really sun flavored they would taste like gas and burning.

Speaking of sun-dried tomatoes, the sun isn’t a great cook either.  Have you tried some of foods the sun is making?  Sunchips? Barf in a bag.  Doritos, Cheetos, even Fritos are better than this “healthy snack”.   And they were probably made in a few hours.  The Sun started making Sun Chips in the beginning and it took until 1991 for them to finally be finished.  I’ve lived, died, and come back 40 or 50 times in less time.  And have you tried Capri Sun? Not exactly the tastiest drink and could the sun be a little more generous with the amount of drink we get? Good gracious, that isn’t a drink, it’s a starter sip for me.

The worst of all is the sun on my road trip.  It toys with the emotions.  And when I mean emotions, I mean the heat and light inside the car.  In the morning it doesn’t want to come out so we had to turn on the heater, then it comes out, allowing for us to feel comfortable for a few minutes, and then BAM it is noon!  Air conditioning is too expensive, putting your windows down brings in too much of our bitter enemy, The Wind and so we sit in our car and suffer the sun’s overwhelming heat.  And when you heading west, it is a big race to see how long you can beat the sun.  Just when you think it is great and you are almost home, the sun comes out to play and put its big huge “smiling face” right in your precious eyes that you need for, you know, not driving off the road.

So pretty much, the sun makes us need it just enough to want it around, but is a jerk enough that we can’t stand having it around.  Pretty much like every jerk you’ve ever known.


Bitter HOT SUN Ben

Road Trip Music Bitterness


Radio Disney.

Because Radio Disney.

Back in March, when I was finally granted one actual week of vacation out of my 4 possible weeks, it just so happened that it was on the same week as my kids Spring Break from school and the week after my parents were just coming home from Mongolia to their home base of Utah.  Since we hadn’t seen my parents for a year and a half, except through the miracle of this futuristic video chatting device called Skype and FaceTime, where people get to see your sighs instead of  just hear them, we knew that a road trip was inevitable.  Not the fun kind of road trip where you don’t plan out your route and you just drive and see stuff, but the kind that you just want to get there as soon as possible with the least amount of money spent and the least amount of potty breaks.  While I have the bladder of Superman, (I assume he can hold it to infinity) others in the Journey did not.

Always having to stop for potty breaks.

Always having to stop for potty breaks.

Road trips are a bitter all around experience, (are we there yet?, crappier McDonald’s than even your local ones, the aforementioned potty breaks), but the worst part of all is the music.  Though this trip was assisted by the Sirus XM Satellite Radio (I expect an endorsement deal from this by the way), which allowed for clear reception the whole trip, the bigger problem popped up in the form of a pop station disease called “SONGS REPEATING”.  Some days when out doing errands, we try to time our 20 minute trips just to see if we can leave with the same song playing as the one when we get back.

Not this song again!

Not this song again!

I know one thing.  If I was a radio DJ for one of these stations, I would go postal on every last CD, cassette tape, 8 track, and every digital file of every song ever created.  There is only one thing worse than hell and that is having to listen to a song you hate, by an “artist” you hate, over and over again.  I had all kinds of illusions of listening to Comedy Central, NBA Radio, or even a Latin Station (which I wouldn’t understand a word), but unfortunately ended up listening to Radio Disney because the kids might accidentally listen to it for one second instead of playing games or fighting with each other.

Just when you thought THE MOUSE couldn't make me any more bitter.

Just when you thought THE MOUSE couldn’t make me any more bitter.

Just when you thought the Mouse couldn’t make me any more bitter, the line up of Disney “Stars” found a way to make it worse.  Let’s take a look at mad writing skills that invaded my human ears for 24 hours in the last couple of weeks.

The Fox – What does the Fox Say? – YVsomething –  I know that I’m a little late this crappy song party, but here are some sample lyrics.

Dog goes woof

Cat goes meow

Bird goes tweet

Mouse goes squeak

I don’t know what the Fox says, nor do I care, but I know what I say.  I say this song, its song writers and whatever other stupid people were involved in the making of this song, should be forced to listen to thier “hit” for the rest of eternity(or at least one road trip across the United States, whichever is longest).

One Direction – The Story of My Life -   Sample Lyrics -It seems to me that when I die these words will be written on my stone.

Well, One Direction, when you do die and you need some words for you “stone” might I suggest this:  The Story of My life is misery.  We caused misery for ourselves, our miserable fans, the parents of our fans, and all those unfortunate people that aren’t our fans(the entire earth and rest of the universe), that accidentally or road tripally ended up hearing our song.   I’ve got One Direction for you.  How about the middle of the earth where it is hot, and hopefully soundproof so that no one ever has to every hear your songs and look at your stupid hair that probably takes more time and product than a supermodel.

He's so edgy.

He’s so edgy.

Austin Mahone – “MMM Yeah” -  Sample lyrics.  “Mmm Mmm yeah yeah  All I could say was”   – Is he talking about toast?

Hey Austin, I’m sure you have mastered the ability to be handsome or wear a winter hat in the middle of the summer in order to look “edgy” and you probably have learned to memorize some lyrics for a song, but how about a basic English class?  I’m not talking a college level course which age wise you might qualify for someday, but you know, how about a 3rd grade English class where words like “Yes” and “N” are also taught?  I guess you were really tired the day they taught actual words just how you were feeling after you ate something yummy.  I can’t wait for your next song called, “Uggghh, Gross”.

Naughty Boy – “La La La” - Sample lyrics – La La,la la la  Hush, don’t speak when you spit your venom

Hey Naughty Boy.  Are you a boy?  Or are you a man?  May I ask you a question?  Did it take you all day to come up with the title of your song? Was it a toss up between La La La and Hm Hm Hm?  Or were you trying to learn Spanish that day and said, “Hey how about we do THE THE THE, but in Spanish?” or was it something deeper like, “Hey, this song was recorded in Hollywood, so we should call it Hollywood, Hollywood, Hollywood!”, but you got tired of spelling that out so you just shortened it to LA, LA, LA, but they you got tired of capitalizing the A, and just went with La.  Regardless, keep inspiring the youth of America with you laziness.  I know I’m trying.


I could go on about the de-inspirational songs and music that were hammered into my head so hard that I don’t have any brain cells left to work right now, but I will refrain, so you can discover the witchcraft of the 14 special songs you will hear when you go on a bitter road trip near you.

Bitter Trails


Bitter Music in my Head Ben






The Mountainous Barriers of Friday Giftures

Many claim that the mountains are majestic, and beautiful and good for skiing and fun to climb.  As a member of the “Growing up in the Midwest without My Permission” Club, I happen to think that they are just in my way.  If I want to drive through them, I have to fight all kinds of gravity to overcome them.  If I want go under them, I have to use my industrial sized drill to mine an underground cave.  If I want to go around them, I have to go all the way to Canada somewhere, or down to somewhere in Mexico.  Because I don’t like wasting time (yes I do), mountains make me bitter for getting in my way.

You know what else gets in my way? These things.






yeah trees are always getting in my way.

yep, trees are always getting in my way.




Waves.  Always getting in the way-ve.

…always getting in the way-ve.




..always a barrier to comfort.





…not only a barrier for ceilings but for getting a drink.


Always getting in the way…


..rival marching gangs.

..rival marching gangs.


Always getting in the way…



…other people.


Always getting in the way….



…the overpowered air conditioning.


The mighty obstacles…




…of the raging rivers.


The unstoppable force….

...the slippery floors.

…of slippery floors.


The immovable object...

...of sleep.

…of sleep.



...the barrier of love.

…the Great Barrier Reef of love.


Let’s tear down these walls of Oppression…


of the

…never mind, they are just dominoes.


On this Bitter Friday, let’s just push through all these annoying obstacles, because they are getting in the way of us being lazy and that really makes me bitter.


Bitter Mountain Man Ben

41 Things I’m Bitter About


So I heard it was your birthday…

It is again that time of year when I get to celebrate all the people asking me stupid questions like, “What are you going to do today?” and “What kind of cake do you want?” and “What presents did you get?” and “How can I annoy you the most today on the day that you want to be annoyed the least?”.   “How can I make the day that you used to look forward to be the day you dread the most?”.  “What cheesy phrase can I spit out from my arsenal of cheesy phrases that will make you groan the most?” I have several other questions that I just can’t wait to hear, but I’m hoping that you are smart enough to figure out the point by now.  If not, I have a super deep hole you can jump in that will help you figure it out quite easily.  As you know, I have a lot of things to be bitter about this year, but there’s something about this time of year that makes me want to reveal 41 things that make me bitter.  So here goes:

Wow, you are looking so young.

Wow, you are looking so young.

1. Llamas.  How is it that they are any different than alpacas? And any animal that is famous for spitting is bitter in my book.

2. Railroad signs.

3. Crowds.  Cause other people.

4. Tree buds. Yeah more trees on the way.

5. Empty Pizza Boxes.  So pointless!

6. Fone callz.  Cause phone calls are bad enough.

7. Clowns.



8. Bags (under my eye).

9. Hair. It is everywhere except where I want it and costs money to remove.

10. Clocks.  Cause ain’t nobody got time for that.

11. Flowers.  It would be worse if I were allergic to them.

12. Las Vegas. Cause every casino doesn’t look exactly the same inside.

13. Pictures of Sunsets.  How do you know they aren’t sunrises?

14. Pillows on couches.  When I have to throw 15 off the couch just to sit down, there might be too many.

15. Fingernails.  They only protect the upper part of my fingers.

16. Toenails. They don’t protect my toes at all.

I've definitely got bigger...

I’ve definitely got bigger…

17. Emoji’s. Still not a good one for bitter.

18. Candles.  Too much of a middleman.

19. Plates.  The splinter’s from them breaking aren’t hurting enough people’s feet.

20. Gloves with cut off fingers.  Because why?

21. Expensive sunglasses. Because I want them, but always lose them.

22. Flat tires. Because I got one at the worst time and I had to change it.

23. Wi-fi. Because it only works when I’m working on Word.

You don't look old at all....

You don’t look old at all….

24. Bottlecaps.  Soda blocker.

25. Cords.  In order to have cordless things there always needs to be cords. What?

26. Tulips.  Shouldn’t one be enough?

27. Sneezing.  So I’m not allowed to open my eyes while sneezing just once?

28. Pants. Getting in the way of comfort since they were invented.

29. Skulls. Blocking my idiotic statements from getting out since 1973.

30. Rubik’s Cube.  I guess Rubik was tired of trying to figure it out, so he sold his cube to see if someone else could figure it out.

31. Bitcoins.  Because fake Monopoly money isn’t enough fake money.

32. Splinters.  Who knew something so small could not only burrow itself so deeply into the skin, but irritate so completely.

You're only 41? Um hmmm....

You’re only 41? Um hmmm….

33. Bowling.  Because it is possible for a little kid to beat a grown adult by accident.

34. School.  Math? Science? Why?

35. Taffy. So much work to eat.

36. Bologna.  Because blogs don’t taste like meat.

37. Scissors.  Why can’t I run with them?

38. Lungs.  They should store more so I can at least walk up some stairs without breathing heavily.

39. Convenience stores. What is convenient about paying 20 dollars for a hot dog that is spinning on some metal conveyer belt?

40. Facts. Because who needs them when you are in the middle of an argument?

41. Spots.  Cause my eyes, and dogs and shirts don’t need them.

Enough of these shenanigans.  I’m off to celebrate by getting annoyed by everyone and their stupid questions like, “So what was Moses like?” and “What was there before dirt?” jokes.  I can’t wait.


Bitter Birthday Ben