Bitter Funny Blog Friday and Bitter Mischief Day

So here is the image.

Follow for the sake of others.

Hey Weirdos, this isn’t so much a post as just a reminder.  I would have just posted this on Facebook and Twitter, but I don’t have any real life friends so I’m posting it here.  Remember that Funny Blog Friday(#FBF) is  tomorrow. You can still sign up for my Epic Failure Contest  by following me on Twitter or Facebook.  And make sure to check the links on my blog post tomorrow for a bunch of other actual funny people to read.  That is all.  Now go wait in anticipation for my blog post tomorrow.  Or just worry about your Halloween costume like you were going to do anyways.

Why would anyone be afraid of this?

Bitter Mischief Day.


Bitter Braindead Ben

The Bitter Battle for Control (and how everything can be a weapon)

The Bitter Battle for Control

The Bitter Battle for Control


I’m a longtime fan of action movies. Some people like action movies for the explosions or the tension, or the unbelievability of it all.  While those are all good things, especially the unbelievability of them, it’s the individual fight scenes between two fairly even opponents that fascinates me.  That is what most action movies seem to forget.  Fans like me want to be able to see a significant fight between the protagonist and the antagonist.  There have been a few standouts in action movie history in my mind.  There was John McClane vs. Karl.  While Hans Gruber was the main nemesis, it was Karl who physically gave John McClane a run for his money.  Then there was the mathematically equal match of Neo and Agent Smith in the Matrix.  There was Sean Archer and Castor Troy in Face/Off.

I’ve been teaching my son to fight since he was little (or more accurately he begs me to wrestle with him all the time) so I have done much to train him in his quest to be the world’s greatest wrestler/ninja/street brawler/karate champ/fight club champion/gun slinger/action hero star.  While my real world knowledge of fighting (a 0 out of 1 record involving one sucker punch) is severely lacking,  I have extensive action movie knowledge to draw from so I can teach him how to fight.  Things I have taught him are: Punch/counter punch, defense creates offense, stay low, gain the higher ground.  I’ve taught him how to block and fake punch.  However, my best advice by far is that anything can be a weapon.  I’ve been teaching him that lately.  So for instance, if you lose your sword, grab anything in room that is available.  If it is sand, throw it in their eyes.  The other day, when we were tromping around the house, I found an empty bread bag, and started swinging it at him.  While it wouldn’t have taken him down against a sword, I could have distracted him enough for me to get a bread kneader or a plate to throw at  him.


It all came to a head yesterday, when remote control of the house was at stake.  As you have probably heard, the remote control hierarchy at my house is Mom, Son, Daughter, visitors, neighbors, hamster, then me.  But when mom is gone all bets are off.  She left for a while so the epic struggle for the remote was at hand. Normally I relent because I usually watch the same cartoons as they do, but today was NBA tip-off and the Spurs were on.  I would not be denied. However, the Cartoon Network was calling sonny boy, so we fought.  I reached for the remote, but he grabbed it before me.  I got in my ninja stance and we did the remote control face off.

I lunged for the Remote Control.

I lunged for the Remote Control.

I lunged for the remote, he blocked with his left hand.  I did a twisty 360 followed by a “Ha!” He reached out with his other hand a grabbed a Minecraft Sword, while I reached for cardboard tube.  We clanged swords in an intricate dance of cardboard on foam.  Eventually the soft rubber spikes overtook plain cardboard of my old wrapping paper roll and he descends on me.  While I flail on the ground, I grab some dirty clothes and fling them at him and cause his to drop his sword, and the remote.  When I reach for the remote, he puts his foot down and grabs a Nerf gun and shoots a dart, but misses and he has no spares.  He jumps back to get more ammo, while I grab a basket.  He shoots his ammo at me, but I block with the Longaberger basket, though with the hole in the bottom of the basket, one dart gets stuck just 3 mm from my face.  I do a backwards somersault and throw the basket to the side. He abandons the gun and I chase him to the kitchen.

I ran into the kitchen.

I ran into the kitchen.

He grabs a freshly washed knife from the dishwasher, while I grab a dirty fork from the sink.  We knife/fork fight for a while until he backs me up against the refrigerator.  Just as he is about to swing the fatal blow, I open the fridge door to block him and the knife knocks down all the drawings on the fridge and it makes him slip.  I finally get ahold of the remote and start switching the channel, but the button is stuck.  So I have to change the channel one at a time. This gives the boy time to get up and he tries to wrestle me to the ground while I am furiously trying to get the channel switched to TNT.  Just as I get to Channel 645(one channel above TNT) he pulls his Nerf Gun up, with one remaining dart and says, “Not one more channel. Drop the remote, or I make the last dart count!”

Drop the remote!

Drop the remote!


I slowly drop the remote, he grabs it, sits down on the comfy La-Z-Boy, one hand on the remote, and one with his Nerf Gun.  He changes the channel to Cartoon Network.  I sit down exhausted, defeated, and without hope.  I sit in the uncomfortable chair, my back still killing me, out of breath.  Then it occurs to me.  Anything can be a weapon.  “Buddy, give me the remote, or you’ll have a time out.” He whines, protests, but eventually puts his gun down, hands over the remote, and I get to watch the game…until Mom walks in the door and the remote goes back to where it belonged in the first place.  With mom.


Bitter Remote Control Loser Ben

Epic Failure Contest

So here is the image.

Join us on Halloween for a very special Epic Fail.

Don’t ever tell me that I learn a lesson from failing at something. A couple of years ago, when this blog was very new and I was idealistic about it going to a place where I would never have to do real work ever again, I held a contest giveaway.  I did what I thought was a clever thing where I did a scavenger hunt through previous blog posts.  Readers would find words in specific posts, “like” the post and then in the comments give me the results.  I thought it would set the internet on fire and I would be talked about on all the Today shows and become a viral sensation.  What it did was reminded me that my readers were just as lazy as me.  They said it was a great idea, but they had no time for it, so good luck to the five people that actually took the time to do it. Of course, I’m still an idiot enough that I know for a fact that I’m just one famous person discovering this contest away from going completely viral and becoming the next famous person that never did anything to earn their fame.  That was an epic fail and didn’t happen, so as a person that doesn’t learn from their mistakes, I’m doing it again.  Of course, this time it will be different because Rainn Wilson will be observing and tweet it out to all his constituents.

So back to the point.  I was contacted by Victoria of Angstanarchy and Alanna of White Girls Be Like… to do a Funny Blog Friday thing on this upcoming Friday, which for you calendarly inept people is Halloween.  It involves me epic failing at several things.  Doing a contest giveaway, which you saw above I failed at and trying to be funny, which you can see I fail at on almost an every other daily basis.  Again, I don’t learn, cause I’m bitter.  So I’m just gonna put this out there and see it fail.

So contest.  You have until Friday to either follow my Twitter, Benadman, follow my Ben’s Bitter Blog Facebook Page, or if you have done all that, like one of my post 6 months ago or earlier.  If you find any of those things too hard, then you don’t deserve to win anyways.  Prize: $20 of anything.  If you want a gift certificate to something that I can find on the internet, you can have that of your choosing.  Or if you want to be creative and make me buy something that you know will make me bitter, feel free.  Either that, or I have a kind of bag thing that I got that says “Think Creatively”, but it also says my blog address on it, so you might want to blot that out so people don’t think you follow some weird blog on the internet.  Just know that if you enter and win  you will have to give me some sort of information on how to get the prize to me, so if you are a recluse that doesn’t want me knowing your address or PO Box or whatever, don’t enter. But I think that would be obvious right?

Alright, there is an upside to all this epic fail.  There are other people involved in the funny thing that are actually funny and I will include links below to them, so you have something to laugh about on this Funny Blogger Friday.  Also feel free to hashtag that thing up above, because I sure don’t know what to do with hashtags.  Also, see the original post that started this all.

Funny Bloggers already involved:

Alanna of White Girls Be Like…

Jamie of Fits of Wit

H.E. Ellis of H.E. Ellis 

Jessie of Jessie Reyna

Alice of Alice at Wonderland

Ben of Ben’s Bitter Blog

Jenn of Properly Ridiculous

So have fun with these funny people at the Halloween Party, while I hide in the corner being bitter.


Bitter No So Funny Ben


The Land of the Lost Bitter Posts – The Disney Chronicles

Hey Bitter Stalkers! I’ve got a really bitter true story to tell you. When I graduated from high school (don’t laugh, bitter people graduate too. Cause teachers want them gone, duh!) I got a senior trip because my parents didn’t want to get me a car.  So I decided to go to Cincinnati, because I’m pretty randumb.  Or it could be because I was a Reds Fan (because of Eric Davis. Yep Randumb again).  Also there was an amusement park called King’s Island and it had like 8 awesome roller coasters.  Since everyone in my family hated roller coasters, it was the perfect place for me to do I wanted to do, while torturing my family at the same time. Anyways, I was riding one of those rides that “claim” that you may get a little wet, but then you really end up in a Category 5 hurricane.  After the ride, I checked my back pocket for my wallet, where I used to put it, and realized it was in the eye of the hurricane.  Either that or somebody just stole out of my back pocket.

This, however, was a minor loss compared to my future visits to an amusement park run by a mouse.  Yes, there is an AMUSEMENT PARK run by A MOUSE. And no one seems to be horrified by it. WHY?

mouse x2


I spent a whole week of vacation in Orlando, Florida a couple of years ago and somehow survived, but not without adding a full 12 gallons of bitterness to my bitter tank. Back in 2012, I put my safety and sanity on the line to visit 6 amusement park in 7 days (4 Disney and 2 Universal Studios) so I could expose the bitter side of the so-called “Happiest Place on Earth”.  See below for the 1st part of the madness.


The bitterest place on earth – The Magic Kingdom Edition – Part 1


Neo's journey in the Matrix was similar to my journey in Magic Kingdom, except that he learned something, and I just got more bitter.

Neo’s journey in the Matrix was similar to my journey in Magic Kingdom, except that he learned something, and I just got more bitter.

Homer had his Odessy, Neo had his Matrix, Marty McFly had his Back to the Future adventure, I have had had my Disney excursion.  Each of them learned something.  I don’t know what Homer learned because that was a long time ago and I forgot.  Neo learned that the only way to change the Matrix was to sacrfice himself in order to balance the equation.  Marty McFly learned that if someone called him yellow, he didn’t have to be stupid and prove that he wasn’t.  I however, as a bitter person, didn’t learn anything.  I only became more bitter.

My trip to Florida was probably a once in a decade type of thing and hopefully longer than that.  Since we visited 6 different parks in 7 days, including two Universal Parks, I have decided to break up my bitter blogs into 6, one for each day and park we visited.  Just know that just like you, I might tire and become bored of this format and move onto something else and never come back to it, but that is to my discretion as I am the author of this thing. So without anymore boring exposition, I present to you, the Magic Kingdom.

Magic Kingdom is one of four Disney Parks, or as I like to call it Disneyland.  It is almost the same exact thing as Disneyland, minus some attractions and the California Adventure part.  It has the huge castle thing you see in all the introductions of the Disney Movies and no Tinkerbell.  That’s right, she is just a CG thing.  She doesn’t exist.

As one who is lazy, I also have lazy feet.  As an ongoing thing throughout this Bitter Orlando Trip, my feet started protesting.  We drove our car to the parking lot, which lead me to a tram, which drove me to a train, which brought me to the entrance where I could finally enter.  While I enjoyed these rides to the park, they then left us on our own.  To walk.  What is that all about?  I had this awkward moment like when we had our first baby and the nurse handed it to me and I was like, what am I supposed to do now?  I was told by others to walk and at that moment my feet started protesting.   They were mad at me because they were used to being propped up on the lazy boy.  Why were they being forced to work on this “vacation”?  They would be much sadder later.

This park more than perhaps any of the others, was run on happiness.  It could sense my bitterness right away, because as soon as I stepped onto the most famous of happy rides, the “It’s a small world after all” ride (I can’t remember what it is called because they don’t repeat the words for it very much…) broke down in the middle.  But the singing never stopped.  From Japan, to Mongolia, to Dutch to French to Hawaii, they all kept saying something about our world being small.  We all know that isn’t true.  I have walked just the Disney Parks, and just that knowledge let’s me know that this world isn’t small.   Also why are all these rides in English?  Don’t the other countries in the small world speak other languages?   All I know is that if I were a ride operator at this ride, I would somehow make the music disappear accidentally permanently.

There is a restaurant in there.  I think it is called Mickey Mouse Cheese.

There is a restaurant in there. I think it is called Mickey Mouse Cheese.

I am a big believer in marketing and all sources of way to advertise something.  See my Bittertising post if you couldn’t remember.  But the castle in the middle of Magic Kingdom takes the cake on awesome attempts on cashing in.  They have a store inside along with a restaurant.  Nothing speaks to me about a castle like a restaurant.  They should have taken it one step further and put a Chucky Cheese in there.  Or a Mickey Mouse Cheese.

This is the result of riding a scary Pirates of the Caribbean ride.  A stinking $20 plastic gun.

This is the result of riding a scary Pirates of the Caribbean ride. A  $20 plastic gun.

Speaking of marketing, they are really good about putting a store right at the end of a ride.  There is nothing more awesome than waiting in line for 45 minutes, riding a ride with your son who is totally scared of the Pirates of the Caribbean because of the dark and the loud noises and the guns, but then at the end having to buy him said gun in cheap plastic form.  Your welcome for the $20 for the gun that will sit in our toy graveyard, Disney.

Speaking of long lines, Disney designed this park to be small enough for you to be able to finish it in several hours.  But in order to extend your joy they give you lines so you can stay longer and not experience as much.  That way you will want to come back tomorrow for more torture. But knowing that you have another bitter park to visit tomorrow they make you want to stay and enjoy “just one more line” before you leave.  And make sure you stay for their delightfully tasting, low costing food.  That is what the Happiest Place on earth is all about!

This is Sonny Eclipse, the bad pun telling, Dinosaur from outer space who is mocking you while you try to find a spot in the cafeteria high school style.

This is Sonny Eclipse, the bad pun telling, Dinosaur from outer space who is mocking you while you try to find a spot in the cafeteria, high school style.

And don’t forget the delightfully funny Dinosaur that tells galactic space puns, while you are trying to find a spot in the cafeteria like a high school student at a new school, trying to find a popular table.  Nothing like making you feel like you are being tortured in high school all over again!

I am thankful to you, Magic Kingdom, for the bitterest of experiences where I can finally leave just before the parade that starts at 9:00 pm and hunt for a souvenir while millions of people get in my way.  And I can get a glance of the gorgeous lights on the castle that has the Mickey Mouse cheese restaurant.  At least my feet will only have to walk just a little more to get me to the boat, that takes me to the tram, that takes me to my car.  It won’t have to do this again … for another 8 hours!  Can’t wait for Animal Kingdom…


Bitter Ben

Can’t do attitude Friday Giftures we go.

Annnddd….here we go.

The thing I love best about living in America is the amount of freedom we are given. Dreams are so abundant here that they grow on tall, leaf covered lamp posts.  If there is a light on your street, there is a dream to be achieved.  If you want to a successful salesman, all you have to do is work hard, pound the pavement, and make sure your parents set up a trust fund.  If you want to start a successful tech company, make up a campus website, cheat your friends and enemies out of their shares of Facebook and be a complete tool.  And if you dream of being a completely bitter, lazy office drone with a can’t do attitude, there’s no better place than the land of the free pizza, home of the chicken dinners.  And there is no better place to get famous by being a meme or a being in a completely mortifying gif than America.  So what do you say, should we make someone famous?


Here’s our first future Kardashian…

...of a girl that refuses to be ambitious.

…a girl that is proactively not making something of her life.


When you are a comedian but not good at using your words…

...just dress up as a mascot and do stupid.

…just dress up as a mascot and do stupid.


When you’re not really a sport…

...just dress up and do stupid.

…just dress up and do stupid(BTW, if doing this qualifies as wrestling, I wrestle at work all day.)


People always wonder….

...this is the way I go through my paperwork.

…how I go through all my paperwork so fast. 


This is how you do…

...a sling shot wedding.

…a sling shot wedding.



Ladies and Gentlemen….

...the future first cut of the Berenstain Bear Elementary School.

…the future first cut of the Berenstain Bear Elementary School.


The fastest way to go your cardio done… you can get back to the couch potatoeing.

…so you can get back to the couch potatoeing.


And what better excuse to not leave the couch…

good thing lava only destroys

…when you’re just trying to avoid the hot lava. 


No better way to skip all the training…


…and go straight to space. 


I will come help you with your…



Alright, Imana fix this swingset…


…after I take a nap. 


It’s been a long day of not living up to my potential.  High Fives..


...I hate you guys.

…Come on! It’s a high five…


Alright let’s try that again…


...Okay you guys suck at this.

…Okay you guys suck at this.

Clearly it is time to go, because I’ve got a whole day ahead of me.  I’ve got work to avoid, lunch to be late back for and ambitions to totally crush.  It’s hard work being mediocre, but you know, not everyone can be great or have the ambition to be good at something.

Later Slackers

Bitter Can’t Even Ben

Prescription Drug Bitterness

That feeling when you  take you "prescription" drugs.

That feeling when you take your “prescription” drugs.

I just read the other day that there are only two countries in the world that allow prescription drugs to be advertised on television and one of those is the Good Ole USA.  I have to say that I feel bad for the rest of the world because you guys are missing out on something pretty freaking magical.  Since pharmaceutical companies have more ducats than Scrooge McDuck’s Vault, they have huge advertising budgets.  This allows them to make ads that last 20 minutes, so they can deceive you with beautiful couples running through bright green meadows, because the medicine they take magically cures them of all their ills, both physical and mental.  As they are running through the fields the PSAVOG (Pleasant Sounding Auctioneer Voice Over Guy) tells us how the medicine will give you relief from a headache, but WILL kill you in as nice a way as possible by telling you the side effects.  You know the drill, “Adderall can cause nervousness, pychoticness, sleeplessness, fear, dry mouth, risk of constipation, internal bleeding, risk of high blood pressure, the seeing of elephants in your back yard, funnel cake syndrome, visions of flying toasters, and could make you allergic to living.”

The best part of the drugs are the fancy names.  Names like Lutesse, Cymbalta, Lipitor, Cialis, Abilify, Celebrex, Humira, Chantix, Lyrica, and Nasonex. My daughter’s favorite is Latuda, because it sounds like a drug that makes you fart in French.  Talk about a Peppi La Pew.  Excuse me. I was thinking about how much money these “silent killers”(not the farts, weirdos) make and how much I want the type of ducats Scrouge McDuck makes, so I decided to start my own prescription drug company.  Some of the drugs that will be offered by Bitter Pill Pharmaceuticals:

Falsettious – This is for the chronically fake. Fake tan, fake lips, fake brains, fake personality, fake instagram account, fake ID’s. This drug is for real.  Side effects: Reality will bite them in the face, like an Ice Bucket Challenge to the head.

Latidor – For people that are always late.  This drug will pull you out of bed, and get you in your car and get you to events or work on time.  Side effects: Person may miss having to make up excuses.

Bitterol – For the chronically happy. They just have such a hard time being angry, sad or bitter all the time.  This medicine will destroy the pink flowers and rosy filled unicorns always dancing in your head.  Side effects: May cause you to think this blog is actually funny.

The generic version of Bitterol.

The generic version of Bitterol.


Sarknado – For those with a criminally low dose of sarcasm in their system. It enhances their sarcasm detector. Side effects – They may finally get the joke.

Humblebragex – For people that feign humility while not so subtly begging more an ego boost.  Side effects: A big downturn in their instagram, twitter, Facebook and blog stats and likes.  A small uptick in really world likes.

Promotisse – For people who have chronic sore wrists due to excessive business card handing out at party syndrome.  Side effects:  Slight numbness of the wrists after so little use.

Slowbalta – For the type A overachiever that just can’t slow down. Will slow patient to duotasking or less.  Side effect: May cause permanent laziness.

Chatetrix – For people that have no understanding of visual social cues. Chaterix may help you figure out verbal cues from someone that doesn’t want you to talk to them so you can shut the heck up.  Side effects: This may also make you stop talking to your cat or the television.

Prescription drugs are fine.

Prescription drugs are fine.

Complainex – For the chronicle complainer.   Side effect: Non-bitterness. For this reason, I can’t take this one.  You’ll just have to continue to deal with my complaining.

Sportress – It will help you be a little more understanding about why I need to yell at the television, I mean an individual needs to yell at the television, when that point guard made a bad pass or the ref blew a call.  Side effects: You may end up yelling at the screen or enjoying sports.

Confidenta – For those that need help making complete idiots out of themselves at a party, or other social gathering better.  Side effects: You may be invited to more parties and your blog might suffer.

Spiderex – For those that need to just calm down and not burn down the house whenever they see a spider or other tiny insect that couldn’t really hurt them because it is tiny.  Side effect: May trick patient into thinking that spider is a butterfly or puppy.

Greeseify – For people that need to stop eating salad and kale so much and just eat a freaking burger or whole pizza every once in a while.  Side effect: You might get invited to more parties.  People might start talking to you.

Knowitall –  For those that think they know it all, this is a hard pill to swallow.  Side effects: People might start not deleting all your Facebook posts.

Hashtagnomore – For the habitual hashtagger.  Side effect: You might have to actually explain something.  Words may appear to you with a spaceinbetween.

Uncomfortable ads are coming to a television near you soon.  If you do decide that you suffer from the symptoms of any of the above, make sure you see your doctor.  In other completely unrelated news,  Dr. Bitter Ben Gardner just opened an online medical practice.  Stop on by!


Bitter Medical Ben

My Bitter Nightmare

The nightmare isn't the park, but the party.

The nightmare isn’t the park, but the party.


It’s that time of the year again.  The fake and real spiderwebs are out in force, fake and pumpkin guts are spilled all over and fake and real people are dressed up as fake and real ugly people.  This time of year is the time of nightmares.  As you can probably imagine, there are a number of things that give me nightmares.  Let’s just say I’ve woken up in the middle of the night more than once with the nightmarish sounds of eternally happy people singing.  Usually, I drink some soda and down a pizza or two and get some heartburn.  Then my usual scary serial killer, goblins and zombie dreams come back and I sleep soundly once again.

This weekend I came face to face with one of my real nightmares.  Some people think of this experience as pleasant by osmosis, as a young person gets joy out of turning a year older.  I call a kid’s birthday party a nightmare.  It all started when my son decided he wanted to choose two of his friends to have his birthday party with at Wild Waves, a local waterpark, turned Halloween themed Fright Fest.  We had to get there somehow, so I was trapped in a wheeled box with three seven year olds.  If you’ve never been in a car with 3 seven year olds, be prepared to hear the word poop and pee and high pitched screaming that can only be outsquealed by 7 year old girls.  It is a true test in not wanting to go postal and shoot up the whole car.  I was at my passive aggressive best when I finally decided to turn up the music.  I so badly didn’t want to hear another thing from them, that I turned up the Disney station so I could hear Bieber.  It wasn’t my shiniest moment ever, but when do I ever have a shiny moment?

The loud Bieber music didn’t stop them, so I kept switching stations to see if any of them would stop them incessant noise in my head (them).  Then, like a miracle from deep below, classical music.  It came with violins a stringing and trumpets ablaring as they created an enormous earworm that exorcized the demons for a short time, until we arrived at the amusement park.

Unfortunately, we arrived safely at the park.  It was cool outside and I hoped that it might get a lot colder, so cold that their lips would freeze shut, but alas, that was not to be.  None of the waterpark rides were open (come on, not even one frozen ride?) so we proceeded to ride the regular rides, my son wanting to ride with me on most of the early rides (shhhew, safe for now), but later, after the major roller coaster ride, decided to go with one of his buddies, meaning I had to ride with my arch nemesis, Neighbor Kid.  Much like Optimus Prime and Megatron, or Superman and Lex Luthor having to temporarily team up in order to save the world, I had to ride with one of his friends in order to save his birthday party.  It was a very tense situation where small talk was involved with a formidable foe.  I was just like Lex Luthor, except not smart, and without the maniacal laugh (or any laugh for that matter) and he was just like Superman, except for the strength, courage, or the red and blue tights.

They dragged me like a criminal from kiddy ride to kiddy ride, putting me in the prison of one tight fitting “safety bar” after another.  I had to keep running after them, pretending to care if one of them got lost, pretending to care if one of them got hurt, and pretending to care if they had fun or not.  Lightness faded to dark, and with that, the nightmare seems to almost be over.  I tell the kids it is time to go, because it is too late for the demons to be out until…they request ONE. MORE. RIDE.  NOOOOOOOOOOO!  Whatever it is, please not the Ferris Wheel.  Not the never ending Ferris Wheel.  “Can we do one more ride?  The Ferris Wheel?”

“Of course,” I say through my creepiest looking gritted teeth.  So we wait and wait, then get on and wait.  Then we get stuck at the top and the Superman that isn’t anything like Superman keeps asking my Lex questions.  It keeps talking to me.  I just want it to go away.  I plot my revenge.  What will I do? Push it off the top of the Ferris Wheel? Nope, too obvious.  We finally end the eternal nightmare of the never ending Ferris Wheel.

How does the nightmare end? I remember something.  They haven’t eaten since two hours ago at McDonalds.  And they were given some money by their parents.  Then it all comes together.  A bitter thought crosses my mind.  Yes.  This is how I will get my revenge. “Okay, let’s go to the Candy Shop. You guys can buy whatever you want, and then we need to leave. Just make sure you eat it before we get home.”

Just like a grandparent getting their revenge on their kids with their grandkids, I get them all sugared up, hyped up and then leave the little nightmares for their parents.


Bitter Revengerman Ben

The Long Lost Bitter Posts Volume 3

But when the server is down...everyone loses their mind.

But when the server is down…everyone loses their mind.

Of all the things I’ve lost over the years, my mind is the thing that I miss the least. The thing I miss the most is my internet connection.  How else am I supposed to post all my bitter thoughts across all kinds of internet platforms, if I only have two bars? Thinking about stuff is overrated.  I mean who wants to be so smart that they know so many words that no one understands the words they say? You tell me what is more interesting, a lawyer that speaks boring words like torts, adjudicatory hearing, and lawsuit (the suit you wear when you are a lawyer), or an entertainment reporter talking about who people are wearing and what restaurants they are stiffing tips on? The answer of course, is neither of them.  Both of those things require a mind.  But with an internet connection, you don’t need a mind.  You can post things on there and not have any thoughts rattling around in your brains (see this post or any others on this site).  Speaking of things that are lost, here was a post that was written without any thought at all; this week’s lost bitter post:



A picture of the Youtube video I couldn't post because I'm not smart.  Just imagine him saying inspirational stuff about football.

A picture of the Youtube video I couldn’t post because I’m not smart. Just imagine him saying inspirational stuff about football.

I have a favorite speech from a movie that always sends shivers of bitterness up my spine. It is from Any Given Sunday and it is a speech at halftime by Al Pacino to a group of football players that have been bitter with each other. Basically it is about how one tiny action(he uses inches, but I didn’t want to give you sickos any ideas) can make the difference between winning and losing and how we should fight and scratch and claw for every inch(okay fine, go for it). As we know, all halftime speeches apply to our lives and should make us want to fight(for things like the right to party.)

If my parents had just made me 1 inch taller, I could be living the life at the end of an NBA bench.

If my parents had just made me 1 inch taller, I could be living the life at the end of an NBA bench.

So what is a bitter person like me supposed to learn from this speech? Well, I learned that my whole life is about being this close ”(imagine each of those quote things as my fingers showing closeness) to acheiving my dreams. In fact, I was this close ” to being in the NBA. When I was born, I was like 8 pounds 8 ounces and I was 21 inches tall (I guess. It was a long time ago.) If I was 22 inches tall, I would have grown exponentially. If you extrapolate that data, that would have made me 8′ 11 tall and whether I was coordinated or not, I would have been given a permanent gig at the end of an NBA bench. I would have been able to play 3-4 minutes of garbage time every 3-4 games. I also would have been paid the NBA minimum of 300K and no one would ever notice me (except every time I got on the plane and bumped my head). So, of course I blame my parents for not making me quite as tall as they should have.

Also, I was this ” close to being smart. At one point in my childhood I was probably playing outside(do they do that anymore?) and I got hit in the head with a bat. It was probably my fault because I was swinging the bat, but before that, my brain was fully functional. If we again extrapolate the data(doesn’t that word make me sound smart?) I would have turned into a genius party planner and I would have been the envy of the party planning industry. Don’t hate the partier, hate the party. I would have been on magazine cover’s like Scientific America and Genius’ Quarterly and possibly be up for Genius of the Year. Instead of my name being Bitter Ben, I would go by Bitter Bash Throwing Ben. See how different my life would have been if my head was one inch to the left and instead the bat would have hit my foot? Okay so I would have been a famous party planner with a limp, but still, the dream life.

The high society magazine of truth derailed my acting career.

This high society magazine of truth derailed my acting career.

Here is example of how a fraction of a turn changed my life. One time I saw a movie. I thought it was cool and really liked that people got paid a lot of money to act in it. I wanted to be rich and be overshadowed by special effects in cool movies. Even though I wasn’t very good at memorizing things, I wanted to be an actor. Pretending to be someone else is easy, right? I could take classes about memorizing things and the craft of acting. I could practice getting out of a limo and walking on a red piece of carpet and answering the question, “Who are you wearing?” (Answer: This is my friend Powder Blue Tuxedo. What is your friends name?) Then I turned to the side slightly to the side and saw a magazine. It said “The National Enquirer” on the cover. After reading that Micheal J. Fox smoked pot with a 40 foot tall alien and that Keanu Reeves sleeps in an anti-matter chamber, I didn’t want to be an actor. Why did the Inquirer have to derail my dreams of being a bitter bad guy?
So what have we learned? That my parents should have made me taller, that avoiding bats to the head will make you a genius, and reading the National Enquirer prevents you from becoming a famously bitter bad guy. And also your dreams are crushed by inches(again you guys, really?). So change a person’s life by using that little pointy arrow and move it a few inches down to the like button and click on it. And maybe even type words(comment!).


Bitter Bash Throwing Ben?

Bitter Eye Roll Friday Giftures we go.

Annnddd…commence eyeroll.

A bitter Friday to you, Bitter Stalkers (suggested name of the Bitter Blog followers by Insanitybytes22) out there! Earlier this week I tweeted a tweet about Eye Rolling and my Eye Rolling expertise:

I knew even way back earlier in the week, that eye rolling was destined to be the subject of this week’s Friday Giftures.  It’s like the God’s of Bitterness came down from on high to prepare this post for me.  It’s like the Marty McFly came from 1985 in his time machine to me in 2014 this very week of October just to tell me this post was my density.  It’s like all the greatest video game heroes and villains gathered on Mt. Olympus and battled for the prize of picking the subject of this post.  So epic…so amazing…so…

Eye Roll extrordinaire

Full of Crap.

This post is none of those things.  It’s just another Friday of Giftures.  Just like last Friday.


Oh my gosh, so cute, it’s her first time on a train…

...that's not the way EyeRoll.

…whatever.  Eye roll. 


Watch the miracle… melon getting cut.  Eye roll.

...of melon getting cut. That’s not the only thing that should be cut. 


Wow, did you see the polar bear who could dribble a ball?

...Amazing. Eye roll.

…Guess what? I can dribble a ball too. Where’s my gif?


Look at this guy.  He is 7’8 and can dunk on a 10 foot hoop.


Well, guess what? I’m 41 years old and can take two steps without wheezing.  Have a candy bar, guy.


This guy can perform the amazing feat of walking on a tightrope 1000’s of feet above the ground…


…and falling.  Call Guinness, cuz so can I. 


Look at this famous girl dancing…


…horribly. Get me an agent.  I can dance horribly too. 


Look at this person maneuver through tight spaces.


I can do that too.  I was born once.


It’s a miracle that this guy survived traffic this morning.

...I battle traffic everyday.

Here’s a medal. I battle traffic everyday.


Oh, look.  You forged a ring out of a coin.


Well guess what? I put a ring on it once too.  What do you want a raging volcano to throw it into? That’s so preeeeccccciiiouus.


Oh, nice.  Two elephants dancing together…


I guess they are waiting for an invite to Dancing with the Pachyderms? 


Wow, what a face plant!

..could you do the weeding while you are down there?

Could you do some weeding while you’re down there?


And finally, watch these impressive people getting on a tall building and filming it with a pole…


…almost as impressive as me stepping on a Lego last night and my kid still being alive.


I’d like to spend all day recounting all my experiences with eye rolls, but then I wouldn’t get to do them in person and they are way more bitterly satisfying when you do them in person.  So I encourage you to get out there and experience so of your own bitter eye rolling experiences, not only today, but for the rest of the weekend.  Report any of your bitter eye roll inducing moments in the comments.


Bitter “This is the way Eye Roll” Ben

Language Barrier Bitterness and the Bitter Translator

I have no idea what you are talking about.

I have no idea what you are talking about.

There are like a thousand different languages being spoken every day.  In my office alone, there is English, Spanish, Japanese, Vietnamese, Korean, sarcasm, Texas drawl and the one I speak, Bitterness.  Those are just the ones that I can think of.  There is also the written languages that can be easily misinterpreted like email, texting, tweeting, Facebooking and LOLing(whatever that means). With so many rules, dialects and tones that come along with each of those languages as well as the the non-verbal language that I excel at, it is a miracle that we don’t misunderstand each other more.  Though some days, it seems like two dogs sniffing each other’s bitter ends understand each other more than humans do.  I watch the news and I don’t understand half the things they are talking about. I try to help my son do his first grade math and there is just a huge red question mark above my head.  He usually has to explain it to me.

On the other hand, I speak a language called Bitter, with the sarcastic undertones and with a passive aggressive dialect. Most people have no clue what I am saying.  I could use the right bitter tone, I could tell them I was kidding, I could even use the commonly known sarcastifont on an email and some people I know still wouldn’t get it.  As the leading expert in the language of Bitter with sarcastic undertones and passive aggressive dialect, I thought about doing one of those translation dictionaries (a Bitter-Rest of the World Dictionary) to help explain my very specific language to most of the rest of you, but I am of course, really lazy.  I have neither the time (laying on the couch takes a lot of my precious hours) nor the energy (again, most energy is devoted to not doing things).

I do have a moment to lay here and type up a few phrases that I use and how they should be translated correctly.


Before you, this was a Laughing Hyena.

When making small talk, I might say, “Wow that’s really funny! (Add in awkward chuckle.)”  Translation: “You are so unfunny, that laughing hyena’s had to be renamed Grumpy Cat.”

In a conversation I might say, “It’s really nice to meet you.”  Translation: “I hope we never talk again and the memory of meeting you is Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mined from my mind.”

Exactly.  Your life isn't interesting.

Exactly. Your life isn’t interesting.

You might say “Hi.” to me and I would say back to you, “Hi.”  Translation: “You are the worst.  For saying that word to me, you have forced me to know say hi back to you.  I hope you get caught in a bathroom stall while the all three toilets are overflowing.”

You might say, “Wow, it’s really hot outside today, huh?” and I would say, “Yeah.”  Translation: “Are we really talking about the weather? I hope I faint and do a Rumpelstiltskin on you, because falling asleep for 20 years would be more interesting than talking about the weather with you.”

You might say,”How was your weekend?” I would say, “It was fine.”  Translation: “I spent all weekend doing my best to forget you in the hopes that you wouldn’t be here today and ask me how my weekend was.  Clearly, getting amnesia still wasn’t enough to get you to forget about me and here I am talking about my weekend with you.  Leave, now!”

Nope. Not one bit.

Nope. Not one bit.

You might say, “Hey, I know you are really busy, but could you help me with something really quick?” I say, “Actually, I was just headed to lunch. But when I get back, sure.”  Translation: “You better pray that you forget that you ever asked me to do anything for you ever.  After all I’ve already done for you (showed up to work), so help me if you remember that I said I would help you, I will get Voldemort himself to cast the Cruciatus Curse upon you until you never bother me again.”

You might say, “Hey, we’ll talk to you later!” and I would say, “Okay,”  Translation: “Nope. I will go full on James Bond meets John McClane meets Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to make sure we never talk again. I will spend 20 hours painting my self in cubicle colored camouflage just to hide from you.”

While there are many more phrases that you would have learned had I had any sort of ambition to make the Bitter-Rest of the World Dictionary, you guys just can’t pay me enough money to do one.  Translation: “This is a stick up! Get down on the ground and throw down all your passwords and bank account numbers, or your Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram account will be highjacked!”

Besides, I’ve always been about miscommunication, disharmony and discord, and translating all my words for you would create some sort of way for you weirdos to “come together for a common cause,” and we just can’t have that.


Bitter Translatador Ben

Writing Activity p. 25 blog summary


This blogger found and disected the Ben’s Bitter Blog for their class. Take a look to see what happened when they put bitterness in a blender and saw what came out.

Originally posted on My Class Blog :

Ben’s Bitter Blog

Before this class I never blogged or ever cared, that is until I stumbled upon a Ben’s Bitter Blog. The title caught my attention being different from the typical dull blogger. Reading into his posts I soon followed. The blog while being bitter in a sense, is intentional to make people laugh. Each post is bound to make the reader chuckle in some way.

Take a moment and read into a few posts if you’d like, maybe even follow it if it’s your style of humor. The key when reading is understanding sarcasm. For example…

“I hear Halloween is coming up.  Not sure how since Halloween stores have only been open since early August, and Halloween themed candy has only been on sale since July.  I love how the holidays recently have taken a step back to give us a little relief to do other things like mock the…

View original 163 more words

How to avoid becoming a bitter non-workaholic


A non-workaholics job is always done.

Welcome to the first bi-annual, monthly weekly conference for Bitter Workaholics Anonymous.  I am your keynote speaker, Bitter Ben, and I am a non-recovering non-workaholic. I do my best at work to only focus on the things that are most important at work.  Blogging, browsing of the internet, games, texting and catching up on my personal life.  If those kinds of things can’t be done at work, I don’t know what can. Let me just tell you how much talking and thinking and doing actual work at your place of employ can be a real strain on your life.  There has been a rise of late in the workplace of people doing actual work in the workplace and as a non-workaholic, I find that is disturbing trend.  We need to stop this problem before people become too involved with work requirements and “job satisfaction”.  We cannot allow people to come to work ready to go.  We must have workers that are less prepared.

Here's my Power Point presentation.

Here’s my Power Point presentation.


My co-workers have learned a lot from me. For instance, they are becoming way more efficient at calling in for sick days, showing up late, making personal calls, taking long lunches and bathroom breaks, and in general, are really good at avoiding the loud ringing on their work phones.  When they do answer it though, they have learned with passive aggressive glee how to answer the phone with a bitter tone.

A non-workaholics job is always done.  We must be hyper non-vigilant and never aware of things we can do to make our days and the days of others less productive. You may be a chill non-workaholic like me, but you haven’t achieved the highest status of chill, until you are making all the people around you so miserable in their work that they just can’t take it anymore.  Here are some things you can do to help you or your co-workers overcome their workaholism.

1. You must be in complete nial(opposite of denial) of your condition as a non-workaholic. If you know you are a non-workaholic, then you are trying a little too hard to understand your condition, or you are too far into your google searching at work.  Take a step back and start at the beginning.  If you get desperate, Google cat videos and go from there.

Never spend lunch with these yahoos.

Never spend lunch with these yahoos.

2. Lunch time is a sanctuary from all the non-work you have been doing.  Take a step away from your desk and go somewhere to get some fresh air.  Get away from computer, and the constantly ringing phone you are avoiding and possibly use it as an excuse to go home for the day.

3. Have a hobby at work. If you are a blogger, don’t ever do any blogging at home.  Save all your drafting, posting, publishing, reader, commenting and liking for worktime hours.  Reader is a really good way to kill time when all of your other favorite sites have been exhausted.

It looks like work, but it is just fake typing. Yeah!

It looks like work, but it is just fake typing. Yeah!

4. Vacation planning.  The best place for vacation planning is at work.  Whenever you get work, start off by looking at the exact amount of hours you have for vacation. Check the calendar for available days.  Peruse the travel sites for the worst deals on time shares, book the most dangerous planes, find the most non-refundable and highest priced rates.  Go somewhere that no one would ever expect.  Minot, ND or Yukon Territories for Christmas, Phoenix, AZ or the Gobi desert for your summer fun.

5. Personal calls.  Make sure your family, friends and even distant relatives know your work number and the times at work that you are the busiest.  That is the time for them to call.  When on calls make sure you focus on the most innane subjects.  Talk about your kids messiness, talk in great detail about your worst vacation experiences, and most important talk about how boring work is and how they are just working you to the bone.  Make sure to project your voice when doing so, so all in the vicinity can be bitter, jealous and angry that you are avoiding all those work calls you should be taking.

6. Learn to say no.  The higher up in the company you can go with that the better.  Make sure you tell your boss no on a regular basis.  You may have had to work 6 hours for 3 days in a row, and your boss might come by to ask when you will be making that up.  Just say no.  “I think I’ll pass this week. I’m just not feeling it.”

7. Make sure you are macromanaging your job.  Talk in terms of “future” and “long term” and not today, but definitely in the next year or so.  Make sure you broaden your goals to extend things out as long as you can.

8. Constantly overbook.  Your kids dentist appointments should be at just the right time of day that you need to leave for the day.  Noon is too early, and might coincide with lunch.  Try 2:00 pm.  Early enough in the day where you have a way short day, but late enough where “there is no possible way I can make it back on time.”

9. Computer problems.  If you have a virus at home that you can send on to the old work computer, do it.  You might not be able to go about your usual google searching for the day, but it will cause you to “not be able to work” and a chance to leave your desk for important things like “Let’s Make a Deal” in the break room.

10. Have a smart phone at work.  This provides you with endless excuses to rush out of your cubicle at a moment’s notice, while looking like you are doing something important. You got an “important text” that you need to take.  It might look like a family crisis, when it is really an updated requested for Subway Surfer.

As an expert at non-workaholism, I urge you to look at your workday.  Where can you make simple changes in your day to avoid work more effectively? How can you cause your co-workers more pain? How can you drive down productivity in your office?  There are some simple hints, but there are so many more things you can do.  I want you to look around and think about what you can do to really make a change towards not changing, not doing, not moving forward.

What are some things you can think of to be less productive? Let me know in the comments of things I can avoid doing.


Bitterly Unproductive Ben


The Lost Bitter Posts Volume 2

...but there is no way I'm asking for directions.

…but there is no way I’m asking for directions.

Because I am a bitter man and a stubborn person, I would much more prefer to get lost on my way somewhere than to ever ask someone for instructions.  I have wandered the streets of downtown Seattle aimlessly for hours, got lost in the mountains overnight and even got lost on my way from the TV room to the kitchen.  Maybe there is no excuse for me to get lost in the mountains overnight, but the others ones…totally acceptable.  There is never a reason to ask someone else for directions.  How many times did someone force me to ask for directions and I got more lost than I originally was?  I’d rather trust my really bad gut instinct than trust even the most trustworthy, mapmaker or professional gas station direction giver, because I know that if I got lost, then I got lost on my own terms.  Point being, I’ve completely lost all of you, so let’s just get to the lost post of this week.

I actually completed this post, but it was for a guest post long ago for someone and it never got published on this site.  It’s been a long time since I wrote this one, and I’m not rereading it because I’m lazy.  So it is probably a jumbled mess just like my other posts.  Regardless, read below…if you dare.  Cue Agent Smith laughing gif…MUHAHAHAHAHAH!





Million Dollar Room Bitterness

Not just million dollar houses, Million Dollar rooms.

Not just million dollar houses, Million Dollar rooms.

Let me just tell you a little about me. I am what a PC (politically correct, not personal computer) type person would call economically challenged. However, if you are like me and are okay with just calling something like it is, you can just call me not rich. As one of the 99% of this country, I enjoy some of the less fine things in life. While I do have a house, and a car, and a television, some of the most important things that I am in need of have slipped carefully through my fingers. I don’t ask for much really. Just a room that has insulation or a heat source and a toilet that flushes every time.

HGTV, TLC, Garden Television.  They are all the same.  It was one of these.

HGTV, TLC, Garden Television. They are all the same. It was one of these.

That is why, when I discovered a show on TLC (or one of those home remodel or improvement channels) called Million Dollar Rooms, I felt like I could relate. These people struggled just like me when building these innovative rooms. For example, one of them was talking about how they had to struggle to find a rare type of mosaic tile that was only found in a Mongolian mountain top. Though they didn’t have to climb the mountain, it was an uphill struggle to call their assistant to call their general contractor to call the store in Mongolia to have a person climb the mountain. Then there was the wait of approximately 3-4 days for them to ship that over to their home. I mean if this guy can wait for that excruciating amount of time to get the mosaic tile from Mongolia that will line his 40 foot ceiling I can, then surely I wait a couple of months to have my ceiling to be scraped of my absbestos laced popcorn. What a shining example (like the shiny abestos all over our house) to us all.

Not the rare tile of Mongolia.  But close enough example of the lengths that people will go to fill that empty space on their ceilings and thus filling their hearts.

Not the rare tile of Mongolia. But close enough example of the lengths that people will go to fill that empty space on their ceilings and thus filling their hearts.

There was another go getter who had a garage problem. He only had a 50,000 square foot home, but he wanted a place to store his collection of 100+ vintage cars that were worth $100 grand or more. This guy didn’t mope around the house and wait for something to happen. He got to work using his good old fashioned brain and came up with the idea of calling someone. He thought outside the box and decided that he would have someone create a cave, much like Batman, where he could store his cars underground! What innovative thinking! He didn’t stop there though. He made sure that there was a hydrolic lift that acted like an elevator for his cars. Here I was thinking he would have to park them outside and risk exposing them to an element (a ray of sun or a drop of rain), but no. This guy simply refused to allow his cars to be treated that way. If someone was going to cover him with an umbrella when it rained, he was going to make sure his cars would be treated the same.

A garage for those that don't have enough space to store their cars in their living rooms.

A garage for those that don’t have enough space to store their vintage car collections in their living rooms.

Finally there was a third person, struggling to survive on only $300 million per year. He had a large family of four that were dying …of boredom. They had struggled long enough eating out in 5 star restaurants and staying in the painfully low end of the luxury 5 star hotels, which affored them only the most boring of luxury pools. The man couldn’t look at the apethy in his children’s eyes anymore. So he explained how his children would not have to go to the ends of the earth to find the most luxirous pool. He would not only build the world’s largest pool, but he would build his kids an ocean. He faced scathing criticism from his fellow 1%ers about how his ocean was not even half the size of the Pacific Ocean like most of theirs were, but he proceeded against all odds to build an ocean that not only his kids and wife would be proud of, but his father too. It was the internal need to please his father that gave him the strength to include in his ocean not only animals of all kind, but to make sure that it was salt free, so when his kids surfed they would have to taste the nasty salty taste. His kids would suffer not suffer in mere pools anymore. They would have their own ocean.

Though this looks eirily like the Pacific Ocean near Hawaii, it is just a man made ocean by a guy with a please his kids and his father.

Though this looks eerily like the Pacific Ocean near Hawaii, it is actually just a man made ocean by a guy with a dream…to please his kids and his father.

I want to say that I am pretty bitter about myself because I have not suffered like these people for their homes and their dreams. Perhaps one day, when I want my home to be better badly enough, I will fight like these people did for their dream homes. In the meantime, I will just deal with my drafty windows letting in the cold air.


Bitter Ben

Messy Freaking Friday Giftures

Let Friday Slideday commence.

Don’t bless this mess.

My desk is a mess, my car is a mess, my clothes are a mess.  Even Pigpen thinks I’m a mess.  Life is messy that is for sure, but none more than mine.  In fact, my hair is so tired of the mess my brain is, that the sides spike out just so they won’t have to be near my brain.  I do my worst to keep a messy desk at work, because I’m too lazy to clean.  But the biggest mess is my life.  For more messes than you can possibly imagine, see below.


When it comes to buying jewelry don’t have too high of expectations… might get your hand stuck or some other big mess.

…it can mess with your head.


When biking…

don't mess with physics or big plastic bubbles.

don’t mess with physics or big plastic bubbles.


Hold onto your drinks people…

...cause traffic is a mess today.

…cause traffic is a mess today.


It’s almost Halloween… should learn to never mess with Reapers.

…so be prepared to mess with the Reaper.


I have a feeling…

...this mad cow is going to leave a mess.

…this mad cow is going to leave a mess.


I guess…

...he needs more iron.

…this guy needs more iron.


 This guy is a multitasker…

...he both messed with this guy, then clean up a mess.

…he both messed with this guy, then cleaned up a mess.



This train stop…


…may just have messed with this guy’s dream…and spinal cord.


You learn from the best…

...on how to make a mess.

…on how to make a mess.


This is what you get…

...for messing up your bed.

…for messing up your bed.


When playing dodgeball…

...don't mess with this guy.

…make the first pick, or be prepared to mess with this guy.


Alright, I’m done messing with all this…

...I'm gonna bounce.

…I’m gonna bounce.



Bitter Messed Up Ben





Bitter Retirement


My retirement facility, Bitter Lake.

My retirement facility, Bitter Lake.

I know I look pretty old for a 41 year old, but that’s because I’m really only 6.  I have lived a hard life of eating food, laying on the couch and pretending to type things at work to make them think I’m working. Ever since I was young, I’ve always wanted to be older.  I’m not just talking 20, I mean 90.  I’m talking beyond the golden years and straight to the Gandalf the White haired years.  Who wants to go through all the pain of learning how to eat, and crawl, then walk, then run, then jump, then talk, then go to school and do well just so you can graduate from high school, just so you can go to college, just so you can go to a job for 40 years so you can finally be too old for work and retire?  Besides, when I was young, I figured they would have passed me right through, because I was a superhero that saved the world at least seven times.  Here are the many reasons why I want skip the young and middle ages and go straight to old and retired.

I want my 401K, pension, social security, my inheritance and my golden parachute just so I can blow them on all kinds of stupid things like jet planes I will crash, cars I will fall asleep at the wheel of and mansions I will forget the keys for, then get lost in.  You only get old once.

Out for my morning shuffle.

Out for my morning shuffle.

I want to be able to shuffle around in my slippers and pajamas all day, with crazy hair, and a lost blank expression on my face.

I want to finally figure out the mysteries of shuffleboard, backgammon and lawn bowling.

I want to sit on a porch being  crotchedy, bitter and old.  I want to be ignored by the neighborhood kids when I yell at them to “get off my lawn” even thought the lawn is dead yellow stalks of wheat that haven’t been cut in years.  I want the neighborhood kids to have a challenge to go by “Old Man Bitter Ben’s” yard and escape without getting yelled at.  I want to be the house that no kid ever wants to Trick or Treat at because his house is scarier in the day than most people’s at night.  And I want to be the one that they talked about because “once he put a razor blade in some kids candy”.

I'll stare.  I don't care.

I’ll stare. I don’t care.

I want to apply for a job as a greeter at Walmart. I want to pretend to be the friendliest guy ever when they hire me, then as soon as I start, mumble passive aggressive insults to customers as they enter, just enough to where they know they heard me say it, but not enough to prove it.  I want everyone that goes into Walmart to feel uncomfortable, bitter, upset and crankier when they leave than when they got there.  Then, just when they open the doors for Black Friday, walk off the job, never to return, never even to pick up my paycheck.

I want to live in a retirement facility where people have to take care of me.  I will constantly be buzzing the nurses, asking for more outrageous things than a celebrity rider and demand they be done quickly.  Then when they arrive at my house to give me my demanded items, fall asleep for hours.

Hanging out in the mall.

Going mall walking. 

I want to wear a hearing aid so visitors think I can’t hear them, so I make them repeat things louder and louder, then fall asleep and make them think they can leave, then wake up and repeat to them all the bitter things they were saying about me when they thought I was asleep.

I want to make my grandkids listen to my boring stories about life “before the Ipad and the time machine and flying cars” and how we only had laptop computers and the internet.

I want to have a cabinet full of legal prescription drugs that many would be envious of, but would never be able to take from me.

I want to make up words and convince people that they are real and they should start using “proper words in their correct context”.

I want to be able to ride the scooters at grocery stores, then pretend that I’m playing bumper cars with other grocery store patrons.  Whoops…

I want to be able to go to a movie and only pay $11.75 with my senior discount and rub it in the face of people that had to pay $20.

I want to sit in an outdoor tub, but alone and not with someone else.

I want to chosen to become a model for the cover of AARP, then become unreasonable and force them to get a bitter old man picture.

And most of all…..aslkfj;laskjdfalksfdjasf

Sorry I fell asleep. Did I miss Jeopardy?


Bitter Old Man Ben

The Bitter Truth about My Stats

I hate to burst your bubble, but sometimes stats lie.

I hate to burst your bubble, but sometimes stats lie.

I bid you a bitter welcome, Bittertarians. Or Bittermaliens. Or Bitter people? I’m not sure what to call you, but you bitter come up with something, because it makes me bitter not knowing what to call you.  I’m putting on my Professor Bitter Ben hat so I can be your boring lecturereer for the today.  Let’s talk some statistics.  I know. I dread them so much that when I was in COLLEGE (Yes I went to college.  They were happy to take my money.), I took a stats class by one of the biggest jerks in our entire school, maybe even the world (I don’t remember if he was in the World’s Biggest Jerk finals with me, cause I’m a jerk and didn’t acknowledge any of the other jerks there.) and ended up getting a 10% FOR THE ENTIRE CLASS.  He gave us 11% just to fill out our names on the test, so I probably even spelled my name wrong, but that is besides the point.  What I am trying to say is I don’t like stats.  How they work, how they relate to me at all, whatsoever, how they are added together, nothing.  I see the stats on my Page and while some of them are impressive, mostly they don’t mean much.  Let me give you a fer instance.

At this moment in time it tells me I have 5103 BLOG followers (meaning WordPressians) and I have 5,600 total followers (which include my Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, etc.).  You might look at that many that I have and feel envious, and you should be. But I’ve worked hard to obtain this many followers, including bribery (my parents and family) shaming people, guilting people, blackmailing people and pretending to like people. And I’ve also written over 400 posts. I don’t know if you know this, but I have barely ever even done anything in my life 400 times. Brush my teeth? Maybe. I’ve been a fan of the San Antonio Spurs for over 26 years and I don’t think I’ve watched 400 games in that many years.  Work? I’ve probably been to work 400 times, but I doubt I’ve actually worked that many hours total AT work.

When my Bitter Lecturer starts talking to me about stats and loyalty.

When my Bitter Lecturer starts talking to me about how he “only” has 5000 followers.

So here is what makes me bitter about ONLY 5000 followers. Do you have any idea how little percentage of the entire world 5000 is? .0000007142857%. If you figure there are 7 billion people on planet earth, not only am I not getting a passing grade, I’m not even getting an Z-, which means I’m way worse at blogging then I was on that statistics class. See how bitter it makes me that there are only 5000 of you?

Bitter Ben Merch? Where do I get some of that?

Bitter Ben Merch? Where do I get some of that?

And of those 5000+ none of you are loyal.  Alright some of you may claim you are, but you aren’t.  Sure you may read every post from the time you started following me, but have you read all my posts? I’m not statistician, but it didn’t take me long to figure that not one of you have read all 400 posts.  Not my mom, not my wife, not my kids, and not one of you.  I haven’t even read them all, as you can tell by the all the mistakes in editing.  And that’s just reading the posts.  Have you purchased any of my bitter blog T-shirts? Went to any Bitter Ben restaurants? Bought the books, or read the magazine, or seen the TV show or the YouTube channels or watched The Bitter Entertainment Network, or bought any Ben’s Bitter Chocolate Bars, or bought my album on Itunes, or stock in BBB Incorporated? Have you stalked me on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or at my house yet? Have you started a Bitter Ben Fanclub? I barely less annoying than Justin Beiber and he has millions of followers on all those things. If you’re not even one of those things,  how can I consider you a loyal follower?

Don’t go hitting unsubscribe either, because you may not be a loyal follower, but I am an incredibly great stalker.  I know where all of your blogs live.  If you even think about it, I will leave a positive comment on your blog that will destroy your blog’s credibility, because everyone knows, you don’t want nice comments from me. In fact, in my mind, I just saw someone think about it, and their blog was shut down, their Facebook was cancelled by Zuckerberg himself, and their Twitter has become a ghost as we speak.

I hate when people wake me up when I'm trying to sleep while driving.

I hate when people wake me up when I’m trying to sleep while driving.

I see that I just passed 20,000 comments, which is a very poor showing by you guys, especially considering that I did half those.  And your views of ONLY 73,000+, a joke.  I have viewed 70,000 just this morning, though I have to admit most of those 70,000 things were the back of my eyelids and the red and blue lights of the cops behind me while I was driving while viewing the back of my eyelids.  Some cops are so picky about the awareness of people while driving.  I swear, some cops.  At this point, I am disgusted by how few of you listening to my lecture.  Just go back to sleep, you slackers.  I’ve got work to avoid and I don’t have time to babysit you anymore.


Bitter Bad Statistician Ben

The Lost Bitter Blog Posts Volume 1

The Lost Bitter Posts

The Lost Bitter Posts

I’ve been doing this blogging thing for over 2 1/2 years years now, and pretty regularly I might add.  When there are so many things I have to be bitter about, there has always been a wealth of subjects to choose from.  You’ve probably read a few posts and cringed thinking “Is it even possible for this guy to write any worse about a subject?” and you would be spot on.  I can tell you for a fact that there were some days when I could barely spit out enough words to express how bitter I was.  Those days were the most bitter for me.  Especially when I started a subject that I knew was super bitter, but started it and had no clue where the heck it was going. I abandoned these poor posts into the Lost World called drafts. If this blog was a BluRay, these would be the deleted scenes, or more appropriately the bloopers.  If this blog was a Time Machine, these would be the Dolorean without the flux capacitor.

At this moment, there are 142 Lost Posts(and that is just the ones that are here on WordPress.  I have dozens more notes in my phone taking up space.) that have never seen the light of day, and may never.  But I was thinking that every once in a while I will let a post out, and you can take a look at one that started with some bitterness and fizzled out or just never had any business being a post.  You can thrash it, scoff at it, make fun of its grammar and spelling, or give me hints on how I might revive it.  Or just ignore it, like I should have in the first place.  So, with all that ado, I present you my First Lost Bitter Post.



This one was started back on April 18, 2013 (were any of your blogs even born then?) and I called it Monument of Bitterness.

Nice faces

Stone cold killers.

When I was growing up, I lived right near one of the most famous national monuments in the world. By close I mean 372 miles away according to google, so of course I went at least once every 15 years. Since I lived in South Dakota for 15 years, I did manage to go once. As fun as it is to stare at some people’s granite faces for an hour, it wasn’t. If I wanted to do that, I would stare at Congress, which I refuse to do. I was more interested in the nearby town called Hot Springs, that surprisingly had a natural hot spring. They built an indoor waterslide park that had rocks on the bottom of the pool. And the water was warm (also a shocker).

I don’t know if it just the condescending look of these guys faces, but they make me bitter. It’s like they actually got together in a famous presidents conference and told someone that a they needed to go to the middle of America at a future date, where there was nothing else and find a mountain and carve granite images of them. Like we are supposed to be impressed with some guys that did speeches on taxes or signed some bill on health care? Where is the mountain for bitterness?

Though these guys seem bitter by the looks on their faces, deep down inside they were probably happy people that enjoyed their lives.

mountain needed sure the people on the mountain are famous for some reason. Maybe they passed a bill on health care or made a rousing speech about taxes. Sure they should be applauded for that. I’m just very bitter about it not being updated in about 100 years or something like that. I think it is time we updated this monument. How about instead of four faces of presidents in granite, we build a monutment to bitterness. If we can’t find more than


And then it ended there.  So, what do you think? Revive it, send it to the trash, ignore it?


Bitter “The Lost Blog Posts” Ben

Crashing into Friday Giftures

Did this week feel like a train wreck in progress to everyone else like it did to me? I don’t know if you remember all the way back to Monday, but it was a whole month ago (September) and that is a busy month for my job.  It required me to sit at my desk and develop a bad back and sore neck while doing labor intensive things like typing really hard and mouse clicking the crap out of things.  Then just like a lull in a roller coaster it ended and October began and with it brought a whole wave of new emotions.  Like terror, as seen by the tweet I tweeted at the end of the day September 30th.

The transition of September to October was as jarring as the transitions in this post. Just like this weeks Gifs.

This guy…

...was a Wedding Crasher.

…was a Wedding Crasher.


Traffic today…

...was like watching a car crash.

…was like watching a car crash.


This guy…

...didn't pay attention to the signs.

…didn’t pay attention to the signs.


There was definitely…

...definitely some BS going on this week.

…some BS going on this week.


People were…

...acting like big babies.

…acting like big babies.


Some people were helpful…


…at reshaping other people’s bumpers.


While others…

...moving some chairs.

…offered to help move chairs. 


Still others….

...offered to help test the new water slide in its mission to launch the first people into space.

…offered to help test the new water slide in its mission to launch the first people into space.


Some people had a bit of a reaction…

...when the computers crashed.

…when the computers crashed.



...when the shark attacked.

…when the sharks attacked.



...when the stock market crashed.

…when the stock market crashed.


But the worst of all…

...was when someone had their after lunch crash.

…was when someone had their after lunch crash.


So this weekend, make sure you stay confused, stay unfocused and stay non mentally prepared for all the changes.  You should probably go to MAACO because they can repair all kinds of crashes, and disasters, like the crash that is your life.


Bitter Crashed Ben

If I ruled the world…it would be a Bitter Place

If I ruled the World...

If I ruled the World…

I was reading the post of a fellow blogger, Alanna, a couple of weeks ago and she wrote a short post about what she would do if she ruled the world. Of course, I thought it was a great idea for a post so I am stealing it because I don’t have any original thought. I thought it was appropriate to take over the world as it is kind of a bitter place, but not bitter enough. This isn’t a comprehensive list, because I’m not that organized, but things will be added later.  For now, here are the things I will implement right away.



First things first.  My face will be the international symbol of run.  Caution, danger, run for the hills.  If there is a disaster waiting to happen or has happened, post the international symbol of bitterness.

The cloud will be a place where I store all my bitter thoughts until it gets so full, it will rain down bitterness enough to cover the whole earth.

Phones would be banned as a form of communication.  You can carry around a smart computer that does everything else, but there will be no phones.  Text, speak face to face, Skype, or Facetime, or invent something else that takes the place of phones, but they are banned forever in the Bitter World.

You can be rich and famous, but if you are a jerk about it, I will send you to be with other jerks to Rich People jail in the bottom of Antarctica,  where Wi-fi doesn’t work and your money is no good.

Job interviews and layoffs are a thing of the past.  If you know what you want to do and you can explain it to someone in clear manner and you and the employer agree that you would be a good fit, fine.  But if you are an introvert and you can’t stand to talk to people about what you are good at, you are allowed to get a brain scan that will show all the employers what you are good at, and they will be able to come find you.  No scraping for jobs if you want one.  You can work from home if you want, or get a bonus to work at the office.

He's definitely got the bitter look down.

That’s the exact bitter look I am looking for.

This one is for me. My weak pathetic limbs like my knees, shoulders, feet and hips are to be replaced by far superior robotic technology.  That way if I am sore, instead of taking 2 Aleve’s, I just get some Wd-40 and I’m good.  I want to be able run, jump, and dunk at the age of 85.

One language for goodness sake.  The dictionary will not have all these freaky unnecessary words that no one uses.  Just like the clothes in our closets, if no one has used a word in over a year, it’s gone from the bitter dictionary.  And if we find a cool combo word that makes sense, like snarcasm, add it to the mix.  But if it becomes so tired that they are starting to name shows after it, like Selfie, or no one knows what it really means even after consulting the Urban Dictionary, it’s out.  If you don’t like it, you can go to helfie.

You are born with one of these.

You are born with one of these.

Everyone is born with BS meters.  When they get full for the occasion (work, party, watching football commentators) you are free to leave the conversation immediately and without question, or stay in it for entertainment value.  For goodness sake, you should only have to take so much crap.

Fame won’t be determined by how well you dribble, throw, or hit a ball.  It won’t be determined how well you screw up laws in a country or how well you perform in front of a camera.  It won’t be about how rich you are, but how good you are at grinding out a 9-5 for 50 years, or how you stay in marriage for 50 years, or how good you are at showing up when you say you will be there.  Cameras will be outside capturing a guy that worked for an entire year without getting sick or a kid that stood up to a bully or a person that fought cancer.

They will be a car cool lane.  If it has been determined that you have been a good driver (only getting ridiculous speeding tickets cause you couldn’t cry your way out of one) and avoided accidents over a sustained period of time, you get to use the car cool lane.  In the car cool lane, there are secret tunnels, warp zones, force fields and you get the use of awesome sports cars and Monster Trucks.  There is no bribing, bullying or intimidating your way in this group.  It’s only for the good responsible drivers over a long period of time.

Life in the crash lane.

Life in the crash lane.

A second lane will be for the “crash causers”.  The distracted, the excessive speeders, the ones that never learned how to use the breaks or a stick shift, or a mirror or blinker.  The ones that break into cars, forget to leave notes when they run into yours, that ones that apply make up or eat breakfast, or text the whole way, or drink while driving.  In this lane, the cars are only junkers with big bumpers.  It is a no holds barred, bumper car like, speed fest.  You can’t hurt the good drivers in the car cool lane (forcefield) or harm the slow lane (also forcefield).  Items are reigning down like Mario Kart.  Fireballs, boomerangs, blue spiky tortoise shells, banana peels.  You can’t drive, then get ready to be with others that can’t drive either.

One last thing before I go to my first legislative meeting.  Work weeks will be shorter.  That is a must.  4 days max, no crazy overtime, more vacation time, and for goodness sake, more holidays.  6 “official” holidays is not near enough.  And by the way, if there is a holiday, it will be a day off.  St. Patrick’s Day, Flag Day, Veteran’s Day, Easter.  If they are a holiday, we won’t be celebrating those at work.

Alright now I have to go.  The world can’t become a bitter place without me.


Bitter Ruler Ben

Hey Bitter Journal

Hey Bitter Journal (I’m not going to call you a dear, journal)

What’s up bro? Doing good? No? Yeah me either.  Life is pretty bitter these days.  All kinds of things are making me bitter lately.  As you should know my now, work sucks.  You know what is irritating? Besides everything? They expect me to show up and just start doing stuff.  Like where is the homework assignments that I was used to ignoring when I was in school?  Where are the projects that I was supposed to be contributing minimally to with my group of people that I got stuck with because I had no friends in class?  Where are the lectures from teachers that had really soothing voices that I could pretend to not fall asleep to? They expect you to do stuff at work without being told how or when? What kind of crap is that? And they expect like more than one thing to be done at a time too.  I don’t remember there being a class in school called duotasking that taught you how to walk and swing your arms at the same time, do you, man? Oh yeah, you probably wouldn’t know that because I didn’t really write in you during school.  In fact, you probably wouldn’t know any of that since this is my first entry.  I would catch you up on what has happened in the last 41 years, but quite frankly, I don’t remember much.  There were a few lowlights, like when I almost got lost in the mountains and almost died, but no one cares about something stupid like that.

There was that thing with that one girl that decided to accept the rose ring I gave her. Then we went to that one place and promised something about time and eternity and gave each other 5 golden rings or two I can’t remember.  Now she let’s me live in her house!  Of course I have to share stuff with these other two roommates we have.  But we get to eat good food together sometimes too and sometimes I even get to warm or rewarm it.  It’s in this thing that blows things up, like metal and cellphones, but it doesn’t really blow food up…unless you leave it in there for like 90 minutes.  They both go to school.  They must be really smart to have been both been accepted to the same elementary university school.  The older one is the 5th grade program and the younger one is in the 1st grade program.  Luckily they don’t live in the dorms, because that would be expensive for them to pay for.  They are kind of slackers though because neither of them have a job.

I hear Halloween is coming up.  Not sure how since Halloween stores have only been open since early August, and Halloween themed candy has only been on sale since July.  I love how the holidays recently have taken a step back to give us a little relief to do other things like mock the weatherman for predicting that it would rain in Seattle or that it would be sunny in Arizona.  I wonder how bitter it would be to be a weatherman, going to school for years to study weather patterns and high and low pressure hurricane clouds and to get scooped by me going outside to tell you what the weather is going to be like for the next 5 minutes. Speaking of being able to predict things,  I predict that someone will be gone from work today…and I’m right.  I should be a medium…sized diet soda, cause they taste so bitter compared to medium sized regular sugared soda.  Just the same, I leave a bad aftertaste.

Well, I gotta go Bitter Journal, things are about to get bitter, cause my phone is wringing (and I mean wringing in the worst way, cause I hate phone rings like those Pavlov dogs do),

By the way, I hope no one ever gets ahold of this journal cause there are some super dark secrets in here that no one should ever hear.

Out like a bout of Shout


Bitter Journalist Ben