Road Trip Music Bitterness

 

Radio Disney.

Because Radio Disney.

Back in March, when I was finally granted one actual week of vacation out of my 4 possible weeks, it just so happened that it was on the same week as my kids Spring Break from school and the week after my parents were just coming home from Mongolia to their home base of Utah.  Since we hadn’t seen my parents for a year and a half, except through the miracle of this futuristic video chatting device called Skype and FaceTime, where people get to see your sighs instead of  just hear them, we knew that a road trip was inevitable.  Not the fun kind of road trip where you don’t plan out your route and you just drive and see stuff, but the kind that you just want to get there as soon as possible with the least amount of money spent and the least amount of potty breaks.  While I have the bladder of Superman, (I assume he can hold it to infinity) others in the Journey did not.

Always having to stop for potty breaks.

Always having to stop for potty breaks.

Road trips are a bitter all around experience, (are we there yet?, crappier McDonald’s than even your local ones, the aforementioned potty breaks), but the worst part of all is the music.  Though this trip was assisted by the Sirus XM Satellite Radio (I expect an endorsement deal from this by the way), which allowed for clear reception the whole trip, the bigger problem popped up in the form of a pop station disease called “SONGS REPEATING”.  Some days when out doing errands, we try to time our 20 minute trips just to see if we can leave with the same song playing as the one when we get back.

Not this song again!

Not this song again!

I know one thing.  If I was a radio DJ for one of these stations, I would go postal on every last CD, cassette tape, 8 track, and every digital file of every song ever created.  There is only one thing worse than hell and that is having to listen to a song you hate, by an “artist” you hate, over and over again.  I had all kinds of illusions of listening to Comedy Central, NBA Radio, or even a Latin Station (which I wouldn’t understand a word), but unfortunately ended up listening to Radio Disney because the kids might accidentally listen to it for one second instead of playing games or fighting with each other.

Just when you thought THE MOUSE couldn't make me any more bitter.

Just when you thought THE MOUSE couldn’t make me any more bitter.

Just when you thought the Mouse couldn’t make me any more bitter, the line up of Disney “Stars” found a way to make it worse.  Let’s take a look at mad writing skills that invaded my human ears for 24 hours in the last couple of weeks.

The Fox – What does the Fox Say? – YVsomething –  I know that I’m a little late this crappy song party, but here are some sample lyrics.

Dog goes woof

Cat goes meow

Bird goes tweet

Mouse goes squeak

I don’t know what the Fox says, nor do I care, but I know what I say.  I say this song, its song writers and whatever other stupid people were involved in the making of this song, should be forced to listen to thier “hit” for the rest of eternity(or at least one road trip across the United States, whichever is longest).

One Direction – The Story of My Life -   Sample Lyrics -It seems to me that when I die these words will be written on my stone.

Well, One Direction, when you do die and you need some words for you “stone” might I suggest this:  The Story of My life is misery.  We caused misery for ourselves, our miserable fans, the parents of our fans, and all those unfortunate people that aren’t our fans(the entire earth and rest of the universe), that accidentally or road tripally ended up hearing our song.   I’ve got One Direction for you.  How about the middle of the earth where it is hot, and hopefully soundproof so that no one ever has to every hear your songs and look at your stupid hair that probably takes more time and product than a supermodel.

He's so edgy.

He’s so edgy.

Austin Mahone – “MMM Yeah” -  Sample lyrics.  “Mmm Mmm yeah yeah  All I could say was”   – Is he talking about toast?

Hey Austin, I’m sure you have mastered the ability to be handsome or wear a winter hat in the middle of the summer in order to look “edgy” and you probably have learned to memorize some lyrics for a song, but how about a basic English class?  I’m not talking a college level course which age wise you might qualify for someday, but you know, how about a 3rd grade English class where words like “Yes” and “N” are also taught?  I guess you were really tired the day they taught actual words just how you were feeling after you ate something yummy.  I can’t wait for your next song called, “Uggghh, Gross”.

Naughty Boy – “La La La” - Sample lyrics – La La,la la la  Hush, don’t speak when you spit your venom

Hey Naughty Boy.  Are you a boy?  Or are you a man?  May I ask you a question?  Did it take you all day to come up with the title of your song? Was it a toss up between La La La and Hm Hm Hm?  Or were you trying to learn Spanish that day and said, “Hey how about we do THE THE THE, but in Spanish?” or was it something deeper like, “Hey, this song was recorded in Hollywood, so we should call it Hollywood, Hollywood, Hollywood!”, but you got tired of spelling that out so you just shortened it to LA, LA, LA, but they you got tired of capitalizing the A, and just went with La.  Regardless, keep inspiring the youth of America with you laziness.  I know I’m trying.

 

I could go on about the de-inspirational songs and music that were hammered into my head so hard that I don’t have any brain cells left to work right now, but I will refrain, so you can discover the witchcraft of the 14 special songs you will hear when you go on a bitter road trip near you.

Bitter Trails

ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Music in my Head Ben

 

 

 

 

 

The Mountainous Barriers of Friday Giftures

Many claim that the mountains are majestic, and beautiful and good for skiing and fun to climb.  As a member of the “Growing up in the Midwest without My Permission” Club, I happen to think that they are just in my way.  If I want to drive through them, I have to fight all kinds of gravity to overcome them.  If I want go under them, I have to use my industrial sized drill to mine an underground cave.  If I want to go around them, I have to go all the way to Canada somewhere, or down to somewhere in Mexico.  Because I don’t like wasting time (yes I do), mountains make me bitter for getting in my way.

You know what else gets in my way? These things.

Trees…

 

 

 

 

yeah trees are always getting in my way.

yep, trees are always getting in my way.

 

 

Waves…

Waves.  Always getting in the way-ve.

…always getting in the way-ve.

 

Pants….

pants

..always a barrier to comfort.

 

Glass…

 

HgXS4Uv

…not only a barrier for ceilings but for getting a drink.

 

Always getting in the way…

 

..rival marching gangs.

..rival marching gangs.

 

Always getting in the way…

 

gifstache.com_2166_1349298000

…other people.

 

Always getting in the way….

 

gifstache.com_2169_1349380800

…the overpowered air conditioning.

 

The mighty obstacles…

 

 

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…of the raging rivers.

 

The unstoppable force….

...the slippery floors.

…of slippery floors.

 

The immovable object...

...of sleep.

…of sleep.

 

Gravity…

...the barrier of love.

…the Great Barrier Reef of love.

 

Let’s tear down these walls of Oppression…

 

of the

…never mind, they are just dominoes.

 

On this Bitter Friday, let’s just push through all these annoying obstacles, because they are getting in the way of us being lazy and that really makes me bitter.

AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH

Bitter Mountain Man Ben

41 Things I’m Bitter About

pic

So I heard it was your birthday…

It is again that time of year when I get to celebrate all the people asking me stupid questions like, “What are you going to do today?” and “What kind of cake do you want?” and “What presents did you get?” and “How can I annoy you the most today on the day that you want to be annoyed the least?”.   “How can I make the day that you used to look forward to be the day you dread the most?”.  “What cheesy phrase can I spit out from my arsenal of cheesy phrases that will make you groan the most?” I have several other questions that I just can’t wait to hear, but I’m hoping that you are smart enough to figure out the point by now.  If not, I have a super deep hole you can jump in that will help you figure it out quite easily.  As you know, I have a lot of things to be bitter about this year, but there’s something about this time of year that makes me want to reveal 41 things that make me bitter.  So here goes:

Wow, you are looking so young.

Wow, you are looking so young.

1. Llamas.  How is it that they are any different than alpacas? And any animal that is famous for spitting is bitter in my book.

2. Railroad signs.

3. Crowds.  Cause other people.

4. Tree buds. Yeah more trees on the way.

5. Empty Pizza Boxes.  So pointless!

6. Fone callz.  Cause phone calls are bad enough.

7. Clowns.

Surprise...

Surprise…

8. Bags (under my eye).

9. Hair. It is everywhere except where I want it and costs money to remove.

10. Clocks.  Cause ain’t nobody got time for that.

11. Flowers.  It would be worse if I were allergic to them.

12. Las Vegas. Cause every casino doesn’t look exactly the same inside.

13. Pictures of Sunsets.  How do you know they aren’t sunrises?

14. Pillows on couches.  When I have to throw 15 off the couch just to sit down, there might be too many.

15. Fingernails.  They only protect the upper part of my fingers.

16. Toenails. They don’t protect my toes at all.

I've definitely got bigger...

I’ve definitely got bigger…

17. Emoji’s. Still not a good one for bitter.

18. Candles.  Too much of a middleman.

19. Plates.  The splinter’s from them breaking aren’t hurting enough people’s feet.

20. Gloves with cut off fingers.  Because why?

21. Expensive sunglasses. Because I want them, but always lose them.

22. Flat tires. Because I got one at the worst time and I had to change it.

23. Wi-fi. Because it only works when I’m working on Word.

You don't look old at all....

You don’t look old at all….

24. Bottlecaps.  Soda blocker.

25. Cords.  In order to have cordless things there always needs to be cords. What?

26. Tulips.  Shouldn’t one be enough?

27. Sneezing.  So I’m not allowed to open my eyes while sneezing just once?

28. Pants. Getting in the way of comfort since they were invented.

29. Skulls. Blocking my idiotic statements from getting out since 1973.

30. Rubik’s Cube.  I guess Rubik was tired of trying to figure it out, so he sold his cube to see if someone else could figure it out.

31. Bitcoins.  Because fake Monopoly money isn’t enough fake money.

32. Splinters.  Who knew something so small could not only burrow itself so deeply into the skin, but irritate so completely.

You're only 41? Um hmmm....

You’re only 41? Um hmmm….

33. Bowling.  Because it is possible for a little kid to beat a grown adult by accident.

34. School.  Math? Science? Why?

35. Taffy. So much work to eat.

36. Bologna.  Because blogs don’t taste like meat.

37. Scissors.  Why can’t I run with them?

38. Lungs.  They should store more so I can at least walk up some stairs without breathing heavily.

39. Convenience stores. What is convenient about paying 20 dollars for a hot dog that is spinning on some metal conveyer belt?

40. Facts. Because who needs them when you are in the middle of an argument?

41. Spots.  Cause my eyes, and dogs and shirts don’t need them.

Enough of these shenanigans.  I’m off to celebrate by getting annoyed by everyone and their stupid questions like, “So what was Moses like?” and “What was there before dirt?” jokes.  I can’t wait.

ARRRRRGGGGHHHH

Bitter Birthday Ben

In case you missed it, because I missed doing it

Cause I missed doing it.

Cause I missed doing it.

I am in an undisclosed location that absolutely does not rhyme with DUtah, under strict orders by myself to not to do work, but the Mr. Work Enforcer (me) never said anything about blogging, even though it is a lot of work.   I’m in an overground bunker that they call houses here, that has a couch that I am laying on most of the day.  This makes me bitter because of course, I should be on the couch all day, not just most of it.  Yesterday, my family interfered with me blogging because “they wanted to spend time with me”.  My question to them is “Why?” Have they ever met me?  Haven’t they enjoyed their time when I’ve ignored them? And now they want to come to this undisclosed location and spend more time together?  Weirdos.

So here is what both you and I missed from last week.

I started by writing an April Fool’s Post that fooled about approximately 0.00 people.  The thing that made me bitter is that 100% of the people were not sad to see me go.  Maybe it is time to retire.  Or not, because I just want to annoy everyone who wasn’t sad to see me go.  So I’m gonna not leave on purpose.

If that weren’t bad enough, I offered advice on how to become better at being bitter.  It comes naturally to me and some of the more entrenched Bitter Followers, but the rookies needed some help to and I was not glad at all to offer it.

I don’t know what would have caused me to be in attack mode on Friday’s Giftures.  Maybe it was the way I attacked the pizza at lunch or the way I attacked my tire when it went flat, but I was pretty much in attack mode.  And nobody wants that.

There were some bitter Twittering:

I got bitter comments:

On Friday Giftures:

“The way that guy reacted to the lion hug is how I react to all hugs.

…Except with Rory. – Katie

 

“You have waaaay too much time on your hands, man!” T.D. Davis

“The Sound of Music – with machine guns – brilliant! :-)” – Lydia Devadeson

 

On The Key to Become a Better Bitterer:

“Seriously, the runaround table… I want it. Looks like so much fun to swirl.” Lifefullofjules

“I didn’t think it was possible but clearly I can be more bitter in my every day life. Good thing I just finished my first novel, except I still need to edit it, oh and also I have like twenty things I’m behind at at work and woops I haven’t finished that post from last week and it’s okay if I didn’t get my fiance anything for our five year anniversary, right?” ADixon210

“Um…I am already bitter. I had no idea but here it is in black and white! ;)Amber Perea

On the Bitter Divide:

“This was doubly effective since I didn’t read this until several days after April 1… jerk…” elmerfgantry

“You ALMOST had me on this one. My glitter gut told me that it was an April Fools joke! Annnnd. I was right. Did you pull a prank on your wife? Or kids? My son didn’t. :) But he did get his first contacts today. It was a milestone. :)JavaGirl

“Oh my, Bitter Ben, you are such a stinker
Your touching story took me hook, line and sinker
I understood and believed your leaving status quo
Now I’m bitterly embarrassed if you really must know

Up till the end, I should have known bitter
We all count on Ben to not be a quitter
He may sputter and spout yet we keep coming back
For the laughter he brings, he has quite a knack!

. . . Just don’t let it go to your head! : ]” Snow

Anddd…some more Bitter Giftures:

 

Even guys sometimes have to deal with a big caboose when transforming into a car.

Even guys sometimes have to deal with a big caboose when transforming into a car.

 

and…

I hate waiting for my computer to process!

I hate waiting for my computer to process!

ARRRRGGGHHH

 

Bitter Freaking Ben

Attack of the Friday Giftures

Yeahh, no.

Yeahh, no.

Usually by Friday, I have taken all I can take.  So when I get to work I walk in like a gangster, not taking it any more.  I sit aggressively in my cubicle typing things on the keyboard way harder than I normally do.  I scowl at people that walk by way more angrily and answear answer the phone with way more force.  It is time to get aggressive and attack, yo.  So today I’m going to be aggressive and attack the Friday Giftures. Got it! We’re doing this whether you like it or not!

 

 

 

The Hills aren’t alive…

...with the Sound of Music.

…with the Sound of Music.

 

 

April Fools joke…

 

Some office pranks

…on the new guy.

 

Buy movie tickets…

 

 

you gotta take what you get

gangster style.

 

 

Pretend to root for someone …

root for someone.

angrily.

 

Pretend to hug someone…

an old friend

before you eat them.

 

Clean the floor...

okay maybe not this

…of all the critters.

 

Aggressively…

sdkffd

…get a pumpkin like glow.

 

Shoot down you enemies…

skdfljldkfjlkdf

…and your cow-workers.

 

Prank your kids…

tumblr_n3btwbE37F1qh59n0o2_250

…early and often.

 

Throw your boomerang…

…really hard against the wall.

 

I’d like to say you should finish this day strong, but I’m too tired.  So I going to sleepwalk through this day, get some pizza and leave early, cause I’m going on a bittercation.  Later suckers!

ARRRRGGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Aggressive Friday Ben

 

 

 

 

The Keys to Becoming a Better Bitterer

Welcome back to the B.I.T.T.E.R. School of Bitterness. Professor Ben here.

Welcome back to the B.I.T.T.E.R. School of Bitterness. Professor Ben is our Bitter Lecturer of the Day.

As the internet’s number 2(because who is more bitter than someone who is only second best) leading expert in Bitterness, I have not once been asked to give a lecture or speech on how it is done.  When I figured out that people had absolutely no desire to learn the bitter trade, that is when I knew I had to do it.  Because nothing makes people more bitter(other than being number two) than to be told to do something that they don’t want to do.  (See any job that you are doing that you aren’t getting paid a million dollars to do, or that makes you work more than a few hours a day.)  So back in the early days of this blog I created the B.I.T.T.E.R. School of Bitterness.  Since then, no one has signed up or paid me a penny of tuition.  But I will keep cramming it down the throats of anyone that reads this.

Today’s lecture is on how to be a successful Bitter Person:

1. Know your enemies weaknesses.  This one comes in handy all the time.  Some people may not like when you stalk them in order to find out their weaknesses, but that is okay.  Because now you know that that person doesn’t like to be stalked and they already have shown you their first weakness.  Remember, everyone has a weakness.  It may take you all of 5 seconds to find the surface ones, but always go further.  Dig so deep that you are pointing out weaknesses that THEY don’t even know they have.  The most important part is to exploit them in any way you can.  If they like confronting people face to face, be subtle in every way with them.  If they are private people that like to fly under the radar, push them out into the public.  Whatever you do, push them to the brink without them knowing that it was you.  Always have someone else to blame.

Feel free to share your weaknesses with me.

Feel free to share your weaknesses with me.

 

2. Treat everyone as an “associate”.  That is the business world’s way of calling you a cow-orkers.  Think about the ways that you treat your cow-workers.  Contempt, fury, anger, resentment, envy, jealousy, rage.  Now, translate that feeling of being trapped with these people at a cubicle or desk, in the field or in the sky to others in your life.  Treat you neighbor as you would your co-worker.  Treat your co-church members as you would your cow-workers.  Treat other party goers, or people you are at the park with or even your family as you would your cow-workers.  If you do this, you will be a better bitter person for it.

Always give your co-workers the runaround.

Always give your cow-workers the runaround.

3. Live Murphy’s Law.  I know laws are really boring to read about and not many of them make sense to anyone but scientists or lawyers (maybe cops too), but this one makes perfect sense.  Especially in the life of a bitter person.  I suggest not so much a mantra, but just a general attitude about this law.  Everything that can go wrong, will go wrong.  No matter how good the day might seem, always be seeking for ways that you day will go wrong.  And even in the depths of your bitterness, at the worst part of the day, always be imagining something worse happening to you.  If you are ever vigilant in your Murphiness, you will find that bitterness will always find you.

This took a lot of training, but I finally came derailed.

This took a lot of training, but I finally came derailed.

4. Go on a vacation to a tropical land.  One that you have high hopes for.  Hawaii, the Virgin Islands, the Bahamas, or the Bermuda Triangle.  Imagine only the most peaceful relaxing thoughts that you could ever have about that location.  Imagine white, sandy beaches, a light breeze, sitting in a folding chair reading something on a Kindle.  Forget all about the horrors of travel.  The last minute packing, the forgetting of everything essential, the transportation nightmare of airlines, the sweatiness and crowdedness of the beach, the nightmare of coming back to a house that isn’t clean and a job that hasn’t been covered by any of your associates, the fights you will get into as a family and individuals, the lack of good drinking water, the overpricing of food, lodging, souvenirs, and the overall pressure of cramming all your fun into one week.  Don’t forget the pressure to get a just right tan and false “happy” memories so you can be the envy of your cow-workers, that will just get their revenge by making you do more work when you get back.  Going on a nice peaceful vacation will do wonders for your bitterness.

Man, my vacation was a nightmare.

Man, my vacation was a nightmare.

5. Start things that you have no intention of finishing.  Some people begin with the end in mind.  That is just plain foolish, because no one ever really “finishes” something right?  Sure, you might temporarily finish something, but really are you ever finished?  Give me any example of a thing you finished and I will tell you that you haven’t.  Finished with school?  Are you?  Go to college.  Get a master’s.  Get a doctorate.  Get another doctorate.  Tell me you have finished things at work.  That’s a good one.  Finished your novel?  Now started editing it.  Wait, there are still errors.  Plot holes.  Grammar errors.  Things that just weren’t true.  Stuff that doesn’t quite add up.  Whenever you think of trying to accomplish goals and how you just want to put a check mark after it, just remember, you will just have another thing that doesn’t have a checkmark.  For those that are completionists, you will always be bitter.

What kind of genius uses death as an excuse for not finishing something?  He could have just said he was too tired.

What kind of genius uses death as an excuse for not finishing something? He could have just said he was too tired.

6. Miscommunicate.  The key to any bitter relationship is miscommunication.  Make sure that any time you are talking with an associate, you are always clearly miscommunicate.  The easiest way to do that is to speak another language.  I’m not talking about English and Spanish(though that would help), I’m talking Male and Female, or Adult and Kid, or Sarcastic and Serious, or Technical and Plain or Sports and Non-Sports.  Whatever language someone else is speaking, make sure you are speaking another.  It is vital that whenever you communicate, no matter how you do that you throw something in that can be taken another way.  The more hostile the better.  Becoming a strong miscommunicator is the key to becoming a strongly bitter person.

I have a lot more to teach you of course, but you stopped listening after the first paragraph and I have a job to ignore and cow-workers to annoy right now, so we will continue this lecture later.  (Yeah, like I’ve ever finished anything.)

ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHH

Bitter Bitter

 

 

 

The Bitter Divide

The Bitter Divide.

The Bitter Divide.

Last night I was watching the X-Men: First Class and one of the many themes of the movie was divisions and what causes them.  At first, most of the X-Men are friends because of the mutual abilities that made the different/better than regular humans with no gifts.  The world isn’t sure what to do with them, they are not sure what to do with each other, so they join factions.  Some mutants want to try to get along and work with the humans, others want to dominate and control them.  Some wanted to cure their “disease”, others wanted to embrace it.  Divisions happen every day between countries, states, schools, workplaces and even families.

Well, a big one happened to me recently.  My parents were on a mission in Mongolia for the Mormon church and yesterday were released from the calling.  They were heading home after a year and a half of living there and working among the people.  They are genuinely good people that have no hint of bitterness (skipped a generation, apparently) and have done their best to support me in whatever I do.  They even read my blog, which is weird, because they aren’t bitter at all. So yesterday as they were traveling home they got some time in between flights and FaceTimed us.  They talked to my wife and kids and excitedly told them about how they couldn’t wait to see us and how my kids had grown up so fast, and how they were so thankful to my wife for putting up with me for so many years.  Then they said they wanted to talk to me privately.  I got that scary “we need to talk” feeling in my gut.  What were they going to lecture me about?  What had I done wrong this time?

“Ben, it’s about your blog.” Why now?  They had read this thing almost from the beginning.  Even though they were on a mission, and even though they were millions of miles away, they had still managed to read almost every post.  It was easy for me to tell, because whenever I checked my stats, I would see the country of Mongolia.  It wasn’t possible that any other person in Mongolia would ever want to read this blog.  (Though the weather there suggests that one could be bitter, they aren’t going to want to read some crappy blog about it.)  “We’ve spent a year and a half trying to do our best to bring joy into people’s lives.  We just think your blog is too ‘negative’ and you should stop doing it.’

Punch in the gut.  How could they have been so supportive and then all of a sudden just pulled that on me?  They were right though.  And they were my parents.  Yeah, I am almost 41 and yeah, I have kids that need a good example to look up to.  I guess I should just grow up and stop the madness.  “Yeah, I had kind of been feeling bad about it, lately.”  Maybe I should just stop writing this thing.

So there had been this divide in our family.  Over this blog.  I just can’t let it come between us anymore.  So, I just think that it might be time to give it up.  As much advice on bitterness as I have to offer, I just think it will probably be for the best that I just move on with my life.  What do you think?  Should I continue?

Deep in thought this morning.

Bitter Divided Ben

 

You guys make me so  happy!  Not really, bitter!

You guys make me so happy! Not really, bitter!

 

 

 

 

April Fools Sucker!

April Fools Suckers!