I am off this week from work and school and I have no extravagant plans. I’m not going to Bitterland, I don’t have any B.I.T.T.E.R. School of Bitterness classes or even a trip to Hawaii. I’m not even on what the idiots call the Staycation, where you wander around your own town in search of local crap to do. None of that. I am on what they call a Bittercation. I plan on avoiding moving, sitting on the couch, procrastinating tasks, not cleaning…the house, my hair, myself…etc. In fact, by the end of the week, if you refer to me as looking like a homeless man, the homeless will be offended. They will put money in my cup, because they will feel so sorry for me. And I won’t refuse them either.
At least that was the plan anyways. Of course, nothing ever goes as planned on Bittercations. Though Mrs. Not So Bitter is working herself to the bone and constantly shooting me looks of “You better get off the couch and do something”, I am doing my best to avoid those ridiculous looks. I have bitter blinders on and thickheadedness of the brain that helps me avoid these type of things, but sometimes she resorts to asking me to do something directly. Unfortunately she caught me without my headphones once, so I screamed “Aarrrgh foiled again!” like a stupid dorky pirate. I was forced to leave the house on Saturday and today in order to be her mail pimp. Not a male pimp, weirdos. I had to carry crap we had around our house that sold on Ebay, to the crappy post office so they could drive this crap all the way across the country in exchange for some crappy Paypal something or other?
Post offices make me bitter because they are so fast. I ask them to deliver my crap across the country and it only takes them a month. Efficiency is not what the BBB is about and I expect my mail delivery service run inefficiently too. I’ve got a bitter business to run. How am I supposed to provide customer dissatisfaction when the post office is getting things to people before my 3 month delivery minimum?
So far I have brought mail to the post office twice this weekend and they haven’t ruined anything that I have given them. My expectation is that these mail carriers are treating my mail like Ace Ventura at the beginning of that movie he was in. I think it was called Ace Ventura. They have utterly failed in two instances. If you do some basic math that essentially equates to like 51% right? That means a majority of the things they did were right.
I expected to have to wait in line for 3 hours, but they clocked in an efficient 2:40. How am I supposed to fall asleep watching Dances with Wolves while in line? I got awoken by a screechy lady behind me that sounded like Roseanne Barr singing the national anthem. It was the critical part of the movie where Kevin Costner says something to people he was talking to. Remember that part? You know the one between the opening credits and the boring ending? Totally ruined my movie nap!
When I left the post office I fully expected to see the horse stable in the back where the mail carriers feed their horses, but nothing. What has happened to the post office lately? They seem heck bent on moving into the 19th century. They insist on using those stupid horseless carriages. The disappointment I have for their disappointment of my customers is truly disappointing. You know? The next thing you know they will be giving their employees training on how to handle speaking to people in their lines like human beings. That is the point when I will lose faith in not only the post office, but the entire government. Heaven help us when that day happens.
If I ever get bitter about the government, let’s just say I will unleash my bitter fury. No one wants to be around for that Bitter Apocolypse. Even ninjas or Zombies.
Arrghhh See Below….
Bitter Male Ben See below… See below… See below…
Also on Bitter Ben’s Blog Programming Note, please see my bitter twitter account @benadman for the first actual instance of a relevant use for twitter. I will be starting a new series on Twitter called Bitter because….where I will take photos that I have taken by myself or stolen from others and tell you exactly why something in that picture makes me bitter. I also invite Bitterians to submit pictures, any pictures, to me and I will comment on why they make me bitter. I dare you to! I challenge you to! The sweeter something is, the more of a challenge it will be for me to do. Bring it on Bitterians!!!!
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If you want a truly bitter experience BB, i suggest that you go abroad. Trust me, no one can call themselves an adult until they’ve tried to mail a package from an isolated village in Hungary.
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I guess I’m not an adult because I have never tried to mail anything outside of the US. I’ve never mailed something from Indiana let alone India.
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Pingback: Talking Bitterness | Ben's Bitter Blog
well, ok… if you insist…. tell me about this pic. http://muscleheaded.files.wordpress.com/2013/06/2705381_f5202.jpg
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It will be my bitterness to do so.
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I’m disappointed that your wife didn’t say “you bitter get off the couch..” How clever would that have been? I’m also bitter that celebrities like Brad Pitt think they can dress like slobs just because they’re celebrities and people will still think they’re cool.
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I know. My wife just isn’t bitter like me. Very disappointing. Brad Pitt likes being a homeless fool.
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Enjoy your non-vacation vacation, Ben. And don’t go “postal” on us!
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Already not enjoying my vacation. Feels like I am doing work all day.
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I am totally starting a movement to bring back the pony express. And I’ll be really bitter when it inevitably fails and all I end up with is some mail carriers dancing the pony on my sidewalk.
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Stupid post office trying to make it into the 19th century!
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Hey BB, I just started following you on Twitter, the only problem is I very rarely visit Twitter. It’s the most boring thing ever, yet I know many love it. Why? I can’t figure it out. So I probably won’t be sending you any photos but if you want to really make me bitter you can start following me (@firegut1). I don’t post much. That’s one benefit.
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Hey thanks for doing that and defeating the whole purpose of doing that…
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A bitter LMAO!
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How bout you just post them on Facebook and I will get them to twitter for you.
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Ok I’ll see what I can do.
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Posted!
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Bitterians… I like it!
You forgot to mention that this bitter break is in honor of my birth. The post office just brought me a gift just in time, so I can’t be bitter about them for a day at least.
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Just wait until you don’t get your gift from your mom that sends you gift through the post office to your home and it takes a month to get to you. When I get something from Amazon (downtown Seattle) it takes like two weeks because they send it to Florida before they send it to me.
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HA! Fortunately, I still live at home, so my gift from my mom will be on time at least.
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I know you live at home. I’m just saying that she will send it from her house to her house and it will be late because the mail service is idioticly late for everything.
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Oh! Entirely possible. You’ve given me something to worry about tomorrow.
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Well then a bitter birthday to you tomorrow and that is my highest compliment.
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If you wished to truly be disappointed and bitter, you should’ve come to the post office in American Fork, Utah.
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My parents are from Cedar Hills, so I have probably been there. What makes is extra bitter over the others?
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I actually like the post office, where my mail remains in air conditioned comfort until it can be retrieved. My bitterness is with FedUps. I asked the optical shop across the country to sent a pair of glasses via my PO box. They sent it via FedUps, who found an address to slap over the PO Box and changed it without my consent or knowledge. Fortunately, it was “delivered” (if you want to call it that) the day before garbage pickup. Why, you may wonder, is this important? I live between 2 roads and it was delivered to my back yard which is 100 feet through a forest of trees from the back of my house. Where, you might ask, was the 3 inch by 6 inch box (the one with FRAGILE slathered all over it)? Perched on top of a fencepost, which I discovered when I opened the gate and the box containing almost $300 worth of glasses fell on me. Yes, I complained bitterly.
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At least Fed ups can get a tracking number. Fed ups at least gives you a tracking number. When you send it through the mail once you send it you have to have faith it will ever get there and faith that it made because you will never know.
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Ah…psychic tracking number. What a great idea…if you’re a real psychic. Unfortunately, I failed Psychic 101 in college, opting for textbooks instead. Can’t track what you don’t know is coming to you–or when it’s coming to you–by FedUps. 🙂
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Is FedUps like a combo of Fedex and UPS? or just fedex. I majored in Bitterness so that required that I be able to predict future bitterness, so I am quite psychic. I have a feeling you will be bitter about something in the future.
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Fedups is a compilation of the clone army of postal destruction.
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They are always late when I need them to be early and early when I need them to be late.
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When I lived in Canada, my mum sent me a food parcel from Scotland – luxury items she thought I wouldn’t be able to get in Canada, like coffee, sugar, tea, and tins of soup. [My dad was more sensible – he put a bottle of whisky in the parcel]
They sent it by sea so it took forever to reach me. Everyday, I trudged down to the post office to see if it had arrived – and every day I trudged back home, bitterly disappointed when it had not.
Finally it arrived. And it was in a sorry state. It was all battered and torn – looked like a herd of elephants had trampled all over it. Inside, it was a mess too. Anything that wasn’t sealed in a tin had been opened and the contents scattered about. The 2nd thing I noticed when I looked inside the wrecked parcel was that there was loose coffee, sugar and teabags everywhere. The 1st thing I noticed was the absence of a whisky bottle !
The postal clerk pinned the blame on the spilled coffee, sugar, etc on Customs Inspection. Likewise, he suggested my bottle of whisky had been confiscated by Customs – though there was a shifty look about him and a nervous tic as he told me this that aroused my suspicions. As I trudged back home with the long-awaited parcel (but sans the whisky) I was almost overwhelmed by the bitterness I felt towards the Post Office !
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I didn’t even need to write this post. Everyone else could have written it for me.
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The Kevin Costner amalgam was awesome. I don’t do Twitter – too bitter!
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You can’t even send a picture? You can send it to my Facebook or email? Come one! You are on my bitter twitter list now.
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Facebook, or e-mail, sure! I bet I have some that will make you EXTRA bitter!!!!! I’m bitter over mis-reading that…..
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I don’t care how you get them to me, just that I will be posting them on twitter. And mocking it.
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The ugly dude on the top makes me really bitter. Hope you DO NOT secretly undergoing a style change in your vacation!
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Nope I’m going to look even worse than that dude. I will look like a raggedy bitter dude.
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WOW – what a challenge! I go wild now finding the cutest pic ever 😉
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Yeah someone who will accept the bitter challenge!
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Yeah…a trip to the post office could make Mother Theresa bitter…especially at Christmas Time!
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Especially when she wants to get it to her mom by March.
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There are some super crappy commemorative stamps to be bitter over as well (dead choreographers, anyone?), but at least the price of a stamp hasn’t changed since Roseanne “sang” that version of the anthem. No, wait–it totally has. Like a million times.
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The stamp is like a bitter sticker because it couldn’t be a kid’s favorite. It wanted to be a scratch and sniff, but it smelled so bad that no one wanted it. So it was bought by the bitter post office.
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A most bitter blog post my bitter nemesis. Thank you bitterly for making me grimace. Enjoy the rest of your most bitter day 😉
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It is a bitter day indeed. The post office is just the beginning of everything that will go wrong on my week off. No matter how hard I try.
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That is a bummer of bitterness. Try not to enjoy your week, just in case you jinx yourself and reverse the bitterness! 🙂
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I will make sure I have bitterness every single day.
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You’d better! 😉
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You’d bitter believe it!
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[Heinous laugh]!!
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Shivers – you said the worse words heard at the Hotel Thompson. Mommy hates the post office.
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I tell everyone the worst words on this blog. That is what it is all about.
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Exactly – snorts. XOXO – Bacon
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Bacon is so bitter for you. Which I eat it. I want to make sure I have an early heart attack.
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Well we hope you don’t. It’s a good thing this piggy is not the “eating” kind or I would b scares 🐷 XOXO – Bacon
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I guess a pig like you might not want others to enjoy bacon.
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Well momma explained that humans don’t eat my kind – the mini. They only eat full grown piggies. Well at least that’s our story and we are sticking to it. Snorts – XOXO Bacon
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So at least you are safe for now then?
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Yeppers my friend. 🐷 OINK XOXO – Bacon
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Don’t ever go on Chopped. They might want to use you as part of the show you don’t want to be used on.
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Well one of my favorites on that show is Michael Symon and we all know he loves pork. … Maybe not the way *I* think he loves this porker though now that I think about it. XOXO – Bacon
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So you love someone that wants to kill you? You definitely know bitterness.
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Once meeting me, he would fall in love and not kill me. I truly believe that 🐷😄
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I would probably have a knife with me and cut off little chunks for breakfast.
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Oh uh … This conversation has turned for the worse … Slowly walking out of post … You don’t see me …. I’m a ninja pig … PLOL – XOXO – Bacon
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Come here little piggy….
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Uh uh nope. I don’t think so. Unless you get that glazed look out of your eyes. 🐽😄 XOXO – Bacon
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I like to glaze my bacon.
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Although not relevent to the current bitter topic, I have, big time, San Antonio Spurs bitterness . What happended to those guys in the 4th quarter was a very bitter cup. I have never seen such a breakdown in performance in a finals series game, ever. It was, to say the least. A very bitter pill in the pit of mystomach. I hope, all bitterness aside, they will bounce and recover in the next 3 games, seeing how they play on their home court. It would be a very bitter end, if they lose the home court advantage to outsiders.
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I’m bitter about that too. I have seen breakdowns like that a lot in the playoffs finals. It will not happen again.
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My mother uses that same “you’d better get off that couch and do something” look all the time. It’s horribly annoying.
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No way, you don’t sound lazy like me at all. Your mom has to tell you to get off the couch?
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Well it’s not usually directed at me. More like my brothers or my dad or my youngest sisters…
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That makes more sense then. I can’t believe you would ever be a couch dweller like me.
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Haha, I’m more like a desk dweller – I’m always reading, writing or making something.
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Yes, the consummate creator. I only create when I don’t want to work. Other times I get lazy.
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